Triggered? It Might Not Be About You: Understand Emotional Reactions in Relationships with Marriage Counseling Wake Forest
Wondering "Why does my partner always make it about them when I'm trying to talk about me?" Learn how marriage counseling Wake Forest can help you break this frustrating cycle and build emotional safety in your relationship.
Have you ever tried to open up about something that's really hard for you, something vulnerable and raw, only to end up comforting your partner instead? Suddenly, you're no longer being supported—you're supporting them.
I see this all the time in my couples counseling sessions—one partner starts opening up about something overwhelming, some uncomfortable or sad feelings, sharing how they feel overwhelmed or unseen. And before they know it, their partner starts spiraling—either shutting down or turning the conversation around to how they've failed, how hard it is for them, or how they're never good enough in your eyes.
Sound familiar?
Suddenly, you're the one holding all the emotions. You feel ignored. You feel misunderstood. And maybe you're left thinking, "What has just happened? How did it become about him? Or her?"
So, what can you do when your vulnerable moments get hijacked?
Let's break it down.
How Did This Become About Them?" A Marriage Counselor Explains a Common Relationship Loop
You came from work exhausted and frustrated. You were sharing your experience, being vulnerable—and suddenly, your partner started complaining about their day at work. They turned it around and made it about them. If this feels familiar, you're not alone. This dynamic shows up a lot in the couples I see in marriage counseling Wake Forest. And usually, it signals that something deeper is going on underneath. Oftentimes, it's really not about malice—it's about survival. Most people don't do this on purpose. It's not really selfishness. It simply means that there are deeper emotional wounds that neither of you may even realize.
Usually, there are some unresolved attachment issues happening. In emotionally focused therapy (EFT), we call this attachment wounds. What actually happens here is emotional dysregulation that occurs when the partner simply can't tolerate your distress, so they get dysregulated and sink into their own pain instead. It's the response they've probably learned while growing up. So, in situations like this, they put up their protective walls and instead of staying present with you, they go into a shutdown, shame, or defense.
This happens when our old emotional injuries (like not feeling safe, wanted, or good enough) get triggered in real-time. And when those wounds get activated, it's nearly impossible to stay present with someone else's pain.
You might also find helpful: From Frustration to Connection: How Marriage Counseling Wake Forest NC Can Transform Communication
What It Feels Like for the Sharing Partner
It's really painful when you show up vulnerably, and instead of being held, you're given distance or defense. Instead of being comforted and supported, you end up managing both your own and your partner's emotions and reactivity. You may feel abandoned, like your needs don't matter. You may feel misunderstood and frustrated. Over time, this pattern builds resentment, or an urge to stop sharing altogether. You start thinking, "Why even bother opening up if it always becomes about them?"
This can lead to emotional shutdowns, loneliness, and a communication breakdown—and this is the biggest predictor of long-term emotional disconnection and divorce.
From Shutdown to Connection: Marriage Counseling Wake Forest Explains What's Actually Going On
This is the cycle that you can break, however. What needs to change is understanding what's really happening underneath this cycle. An awareness that your partner is not doing it on purpose. This can change everything because this understanding is a critical first step toward realizing that there is something else beneath the surface—that your partner is a good person, and they mean well, but they are getting blocked.
If you are not able to unravel, slow down, and unpack all of this on your own, seek support through marriage counseling, individual counseling, or by talking to a friend who is a neutral party. Finding someone neutral can be challenging, but it is possible and can be extremely helpful in this situation.
In a session I had recently, one partner shared, "I've just been feeling unseen, like we're roommates more than anything else." Before they could finish, their spouse started apologizing, spiraling into shame, and saying things like "I'm never good enough for you."
What's happening here?
The partner receiving the vulnerable message hit their emotional capacity. They couldn't stay present with the discomfort, so they reverted to their default mode: shame and defense. Instead of supporting their loved one, they collapsed into their own emotional story. Not because they didn't care—but because they didn't have the tools to regulate their emotions.
This is where marriage counseling in Wake Forest becomes more than just "talk therapy." Working with a skilled therapist who has a strong knowledge of attachment issues can help you learn to emotionally co-regulate, recognize your cycle, and build resilience.
Also, it really helps to learn basic relaxation and stress management techniques—not just for your partner, but for you as the one sharing—to avoid getting pulled into your own reactivity. And, of course, to help your partner stay out of their reactive mode as well.
In emotionally focused couples therapy (EFCT), which is what I do, we actually explore that entire cycle. In marriage counseling Wake Forest sessions, we map it out together. We link the triggers, emotions, body sensations, and behaviors, so we can fully understand what's really happening underneath the surface.
When we do that, we can start to assemble and make sense of the emotional experience. And that's what brings clarity. That's what creates closeness. That's what builds emotional safety in the relationship.
You might also find helpful: He Said, She Said: Breaking the Cycle of Conflict with Marriage Counseling Wake Forest NC Insights
The Flip Side: Why Do We Take Everything So Personally?
But let's switch gears for a second.
Say your partner says, "I don't want to talk right now."
What's your immediate reaction? For many of us, the inner voice starts spiraling: "They're mad at me… I must've done something wrong… I'm not good enough." We take it very personally. This is normal—but also dangerous. When we take every stress signal from our partner as an attack or judgment, we escalate situations that could have been neutral or easily repairable.
It's not always about you. In fact…
At least 50% of the time (if not more), the reason your partner is upset has nothing to do with you.
They could be tired. Stressed. Overstimulated. Emotionally maxed out from work or parenting. But we are humans. We take things very personally, especially when they come from our partner, who is our most important adult person. This is a person who has your back and whose opinion is so critical to you. So, when you hear your partner say things like, "I don't want to talk right now," or "You always do this," or just little things like that, you take it personally and start believing there's something wrong with you. You might think, "I'm not lovable. I'm not good enough in their eyes. Something must be wrong with me."
When we take things so personally, we shift into defensiveness, withdrawal, or attack. We create a secondary conflict that buries the real issue.
Pause. Breathe. Try This Instead.
Here's a simple but powerful tool: slow it down just a bit.
If you do have the capacity in that moment to separate yourself from taking it so personally and seriously, you might be able to challenge your initial reaction. Next time your partner says something that triggers you, don't respond right away. Pause. Breathe. And try to say something like (even in your head): "You know what? My partner had a really, really long day," or, "We were all sick last week, and we're still catching up. They're probably just struggling right now."
This helps you stay curious instead of critical.
Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Remind yourself that they're human, and that their tone doesn't always reflect their love. That benefit of the doubt can really go a long, long way if you're able to tap into that space.
Just that 5-second pause can help you shift the entire dynamic.
You might also find helpful:
Heal Your Marriage: A Marriage Counselor's Guide to Effective Communication and Harmony
Building Your Dream Relationship: Step 5: Schedule a Weekly Check In
Marriage Counseling: Awake Forest Steps to Break the Cycle
Check In With Each Other Regularly
And again, I see this a lot in my sessions where couples fight about these things that are so minor and unimportant, but they become such a huge stressor and tension point.
Why?
Because the secondary reaction to this primary issue has nothing to do with the primary issue. But now you're talking about the attitude, and the tone, and how you're not good enough, and all the other problems that bubble beneath the surface—which are truly irrelevant to the situation.
The key is in regular check-ins. What does this mean? Regular relationship check-ins are intentional, scheduled conversations that help you stay connected and avoid misunderstandings. Talk to each other often. You can't know how the other person feels or what they need unless you share. Set aside time for daily or weekly check-ins to discuss what is going well, what's not, what bothers you, and how you feel when things get tense between you.
Connect before You Correct
Here's a phrase I say a lot in my marriage counseling sessions in Wake Forest:
"Connect before you correct."
When we feel unseen, hurt, or misunderstood, it's tempting to jump in and say, "You're making it all about you again!" or "You never listen to what I say!" But before doing that, slow down and take a moment to meet your partner where they are.
Ask them questions like, "You seem to be feeling overwhelmed right now. What do you need for me to feel better?" or "Do you need a moment to regroup before we talk more?"
This slight shift can transform a defensive conversation into a safe, emotionally connected exchange.
One couple I worked with fought every Sunday night. Why? It was just tension over chores, kids, and a lack of quality time. By the end of the weekend, they would both feel overwhelmed, and usually had no opportunity or energy to spend quality time alone. So, one of them would often pick a fight over minor issues, like whose turn it was to put the kids to bed or why the trash wasn't taken out.
But when we slowed it down, we uncovered the emotional undercurrent:
A partner who felt criticized and attacked said something like, "When I see you stressed and upset with me, I feel like I'm failing. Like I'm not good enough again." The other partner, who felt unseen and unsupported, replied, "I didn't even realize I was doing that. I was just exhausted from running around all weekend with the kids."
What helped?
They learned to name what was under the surface:
· "I feel overwhelmed and disconnected—can we pause and reset?"
· "I'm reacting right now because I'm feeling invisible—not because you did something wrong."
This helped them turn toward each other instead of away. So, the couples who are able to say something like, "Okay, hold on. Something else is going on here. I see you getting angry… You must be feeling hurt underneath. Help me understand what's happening," can really go a long way.
When You're the One Spiraling
You genuinely care about your partner. By all means, you want to be there for them. Still, you often find yourself shutting down or getting overwhelmed when your spouse brings up something vulnerable, not understanding why you react this way. This makes you feel ashamed, thinking, "I am not a good person," "I've failed my spouse again," or "What's wrong with me?" You're not broken, a failure, or bad. You're likely reacting from an old wound—maybe from childhood, maybe from past relationships. You might hear their sadness as criticism. Their vulnerability as an accusation. Their request as rejection.
If this sounds familiar, try saying, "I want to be here with you, but I'm feeling overwhelmed. Can I take a minute and come back?" or "I'm not trying to make it about me. I just don't know what to do with these feelings."
Just this awareness—this slowing down—can shift everything. When we don't slow down and name these patterns, resentment builds. We start avoiding conversations. We stop trusting each other emotionally. We only talk about logistics, never feelings.
Over time, that turns into a roommate marriage with building emotional distance, sexless partnerships, and eventually, parallel lives under the same roof.
It doesn't have to be that way.
You might also find helpful: Coming from an Unhealthy Family: How it’s Affecting Your Marriage
Ready to Get Unstuck? Marriage Counseling Wake Forest Final Takeaways & Action Steps
So again, what you guys are fighting about a lot of times—what we all fight about with our partners a lot of times—can really change if you learn how to slow down the spiral, deconstruct, give the benefit of the doubt, and be this internal investigator.
· Before reacting, pause and ask, "Is there something else going on here?"
· Don't take everything personally. Remind yourself: "This isn't always about me." Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
· Before jumping into problem-solving, meet your partner emotionally. A simple "I see that you're hurting" goes a long way.
· Have regular check-ins. Sit down and identify what your typical argument cycle looks like. What are the triggers? What's the emotional undercurrent?
If you keep getting stuck, tired of the same fights, the emotional shutdowns, and feeling alone even when you're together, you don't have to figure it out alone. Marriage counseling Wake Forest can help you break the pattern and build something better. Let's get you both back to each other.
Quality Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC, and Online Therapy North Carolina.
At Marriage Counseling Wake Forest NC, I offer the best marriage counseling I can using the most empirically validated modality called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT).
This is not your typical weekly kind of therapy. I am here to help couples and individuals in relationships do what is proven to work to help them heal their relationships. Through marriage counseling Raleigh NC, marriage retreat in North Carolina, online therapy North Carolina, and individual counseling, there is something for every couple who wants to heal their relationship.
Hi, I'm Irina Baechle, LCSW, in Raleigh, NC. I believe in the power of healthy relationships and write on that topic. Whether you and a partner are co-creating a healthy marriage or you are single , navigating how to have healthy relationships, my content is for you.
Let's make healthy, trustworthy marriages the norm instead of the exception!
Topics I write about include marriage, infidelity, roommate marriages, sexless marriage, healthy second marriages, and healing after toxic or unfaithful marriages.
Have questions about marriage counseling? Visit the FAQ to find out more.
