Unlocking Peaceful Conversations: How Marriage Counseling Wake Forest NC Can Help You Break the Fight
A question that often comes up in marriage counseling Raleigh NC is "What do we do when we get caught up in reactivity?" This is one of the most important issues I work with in marriage counseling sessions with couples who want to reignite the spark in their relationships.
Understanding Reactivity in Relationships with the Help of Couples Therapy Raleigh NC
Many couples feel disconnected due to communication challenges, trust issues, infidelity, or the monotony of daily life. They feel stuck in a negative cycle, hopeless, and without an idea of how to feel connected and safe again.
Reactivity is one of the most common issues I work on with couples in marriage counseling Raleigh NC, and a marriage retreat in North Carolina. Often, partners understand their "relationship cycle"—the back-and-forth dynamic where one person's reaction triggers the other. They recognize that they have a relationship cycle where one partner's comments dysregulate the other, leading to a reaction that further dysregulates the first partner, and so on. This communication pattern creates a spiral of miscommunication and hurt. However, many struggle to stop this cycle in the heat of the moment.
The truth is stopping reactivity in the moment is extremely difficult. Let me explain why.
The Science Behind Reactivity: Why It's Hard to Stop in the Moment
There is very little you can do to stop the reactivity in the heat of the moment. This is because emotion takes about 45 minutes to travel and fully process through the body. When emotions run high, your brain's emotional center—the amygdala, a little almond-shaped structure in the temporal lobe—takes over. This triggers a flood of feelings that make it hard to think rationally. At the same time, your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for logical thinking and language, essentially shuts down. This is why, in heated moments, it can feel impossible to find the right words or de-escalate the situation and reach an immediate resolution.
So, if your partner seems withdrawn or overwhelmed—if they're shutting down or struggling to articulate their feelings—it's because biologically, they're unable to do so as their prefrontal cortex, which provides access to language and reasoning, temporarily shuts down. While they may be working hard internally to find the words, they simply can't, and this often leads to saying hurtful things unintentionally.
What You Can Do in the Moment: Tips from a Marriage Counselor
While you may not be able to stop reactivity entirely in the moment, there are steps you can take to manage it more effectively. If you are the one getting overwhelmed, "big," and reactive, walking away can prevent hurtful words or actions. But don't just walk away. Have a conversation with your partner before this moment of reactivity. Say something like, "Next time I feel heated, I'll step away for 5 minutes (or 30 minutes or however long you need) because I don't want to say something that will hurt you. I promise to come back once I'm ready to have a productive conversation."
This is the key—this promise to reconnect and follow through. Don't expect your partner to come to you. If you're the one taking a break, you should also be the one coming back, reconnecting, and initiating a repair. This shows your partner that you're not abandoning them but protecting the relationship. Use the time away to pause and reflect. To calm yourself, breathe deeply, take a walk, journal, or engage in a grounding activity. This helps your emotions settle so you can return to the conversation with a clearer mind.
Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC Insight: The Real Work Happens Outside the Moment
While walking away can help manage immediate conflict, real progress comes from preparing for these moments in advance. 90% of the work happens outside of reactive situations. It's really important to have a conversation with your partner. You may say, "I've been experiencing this, and I've come up with an action plan. How do you feel about that? What do you think? Let's chat about it so we can get on the same page. This way, I can avoid reacting in ways that might hurt you in the future and take care of my own feelings, too."
There isn't a single "right" way or conversation that works for every couple. However, finding the way that works for you and working on reactivity outside of heated moments can really help make arguments healthier and more productive for both of you.
I hope you find this information helpful. If you have any questions or would like to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation, visit my website https://www.irinabaechlecounselingllc.com/.
Quality Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC, and Online Therapy North Carolina.
At Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC, I offer the best marriage counseling I can using the most empirically validated modality called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT).
This is not your typical weekly kind of therapy. I am here to help couples and individuals in relationships do what is proven to work to help them heal their relationships. Through marriage counseling Raleigh NC, marriage retreat in North Carolina, online therapy North Carolina, and individual counseling, there is something for every couple who wants to heal their relationship.
Hi, I'm Irina Baechle LCSW, in Raleigh, NC. I believe in the power of healthy relationships and write on that topic. Whether you and a partner are co-creating a healthy marriage, or you are single navigating how to have healthy relationships, my content is for you. Let's make healthy, trustworthy marriages the norm instead of the exception! Topics I write about include marriage, infidelity, roommate marriages, sexless marriage, healthy second marriages, healing after toxic or unfaithful marriages.
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