Heal Your Words: A Marriage Counselor's Guide to Effective Communication and Harmony
Most of us experience communication problems in our relationships, which is super normal but also incredibly frustrating. These challenges are often the foundation for deeper issues if left unaddressed. As a marriage counselor, I see it every day. Many couples come to marriage counseling Raleigh NC saying, "We just can't communicate" or "We have a really hard time talking to each other. Talking always makes things worse."
Does this sound familiar? Let's unpack what's happening when you struggle in your relationship and explore a better way to connect with your partner.
Why Marriage Communication Breaks Down
When couples in our marriage retreat in North Carolina sessions tell me they struggle to communicate, I ask them to explain how they usually talk. They explain that, in a typical conversation, one partner might express their feelings by saying something like this: "When we talk, and you point out that I've done something wrong,” my immediate response is, “No, I didn't! I tried to do it this way, but you interpreted it differently. So, in reality, it's you who is mistaken."
Whether this happens in an office-based couples therapy Raleigh NC or online therapy North Carolina, at this point, I usually stop the discussion to explain what is happening in situations like this one.
Instead of communication flowing freely, where emotion comes, is expressed, and then passes—it gets stuck. What happens here is that nothing is flowing. One partner shares something challenging. Ideally, the other partner would hold space for this and say, "Oh, I hear you. I did something, and it made you feel this way. Tell me more." However, in reality, we usually don't talk like that. Instead, we minimize, blame, deny, or criticize.
When this cycle repeats, couples feel stuck. Here's why:
· Minimization or blame: Instead of validating feelings, one partner might dismiss them or shift blame.
· One partner becomes defensive: The other feels attacked and denies wrongdoing.
· Escalation or withdrawal: The conversation often spirals into anger and frustration or shuts down entirely.
One partner might think, "Why bother saying anything if it only makes things worse?" While the other feels unheard, thinking, "Why don't they just listen to me?" This way, couples get stuck in the cycle over and over again.
What Should We Do Instead?
Shift the Focus
The number one job in a relationship is to make our partner feel loved, seen and understood. This doesn't mean agreeing with everything they say. It's about creating a safe space for them to express their emotions. So, when one partner is having an emotional experience (even if it's a 'bad' experience, in your opinion, because you know better—it doesn't matter here), here's a powerful question to ask yourself: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?
Renowned relationship expert Esther Perel frames it beautifully. Being right might feel satisfying in the moment, but it can drive a wedge between you and your partner. Instead, prioritize connection over correctness.
To create space, break the cycle, and transform how you and your partner communicate:
Pause and Listen
Don't jump in with explanations or corrections when your partner shares something hard. Instead, pause and truly listen. For example, if they say, "When you did X, it made me feel Z," reply by saying, "Wow, that's hard to hear. I didn't realize you felt this way. I want to understand more." What you are doing here is removing yourself from the experience and making it all about your partner.
Hold Space
You focus on your partner's experience, even if it's uncomfortable or you disagree. You ask open-ended questions like, "Can you tell me more about why you felt that way?" or "What did I do to make you feel this way?"
Acknowledge Their Feelings
Validating your partner doesn't mean you're admitting fault—it means acknowledging their emotions, for example, by saying, "I see how this hurt you, and I want to work on it together."
Repair
When emotions are expressed and validated, they flow naturally. When you create space for your partner's feelings, they come, your partner has space to talk about it, emotion flows, and you repair.
If this resonates with you and you'd like to explore how to improve communication in your relationship, I'd love to help. Visit my website to schedule a free consultation. Let's work together to create the loving, connected relationship you deserve.
Got questions or topics you'd like me to cover next? Drop a comment or reach out—I'd love to hear from you!
Quality Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC, and Online Therapy North Carolina.
At Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC, I offer the best marriage counseling I can using the most empirically validated modality called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT).
This is not your typical weekly kind of therapy. I am here to help couples and individuals in relationships do what is proven to work to help them heal their relationships. Through marriage counseling Raleigh NC, marriage retreat in North Carolina, online therapy North Carolina, and individual counseling, there is something for every couple who wants to heal their relationship.
Hi, I'm Irina Baechle LCSW, in Raleigh, NC. I believe in the power of healthy relationships and write on that topic. Whether you and a partner are co-creating a healthy marriage, or you are single navigating how to have healthy relationships, my content is for you. Let's make healthy, trustworthy marriages the norm instead of the exception! Topics I write about include marriage, infidelity, roommate marriages, sexless marriage, healthy second marriages, healing after toxic or unfaithful marriages.
Have questions about marriage counseling? Visit FAQ to find out more.
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