From Frustration to Connection: How Marriage Counseling Wake Forest NC Can Transform Communication

How do you reach out to your partner when feeling vulnerable? How do your anger, sadness, and hurt show up in your relationship dynamic—do you find yourself lashing out, venting intense emotions to be heard, or do you withdraw, keeping your feelings covered to avoid conflict? In our relationships, we often get caught up in the same back-and-forth communication pattern, or "dance," as it's called in emotionally focused therapy (EFT). Going for marriage counseling in Raleigh NC can be a great way to dig into the root of your relationship problems and figure out how to make your communication better.

 "Plan A" and "Plan B" Explained by an EFT Therapist

In this post, I wanted to talk about a powerful concept that we use in EFT or emotionally focused therapy—an amazing modality I use in marriage counseling Raleigh NC. I highly recommend it because it's one of the most effective out there. This EFT concept is structured around two fundamental modes of responding, "Plan A" and "Plan B." These concepts can have a significant impact on our emotional interactions and relationships. Let's explore how they shape our communication patterns and, ultimately, our connections with others.

What is Plan A?

Plan A is our natural, instinctive way of expressing ourselves emotionally—it's how we were born. As children, when we feel an emotion, we call out to the universe to help us. Our mother, father, or consistent caregiver comes in and attends to our needs. This way, we learn that we are effective in communication and the world is a safe place. This positive feedback loop reinforces our confidence and sense of security.

In other words, we are all born with Plan A, without guilt or inhibition about expressing our needs. There's no baby out there who feels guilty for wanting to eat every three or four hours. In essence, Plan A is our original, unfiltered way of connecting emotionally and asking for support.

When Life Happens: How We Develop Plan B

Then, life happens, and there are circumstances that we cannot control. As we grow up, life presents challenges that may interfere with this natural emotional communication. So, as children, very early on, we develop what is called "Plan B." Plan B is an adaptive strategy that differs from person to person. Each of us develops plan B to handle situations when our needs are met or discouraged. The differences in this adaptive mode among different people result in different communication styles and behaviors.

There are essentially two ways we respond in challenging situations in our relationships: pursuing and withdrawing. Some people—we call them pursuers in EFT—in a relationship feel uncomfortable with disconnection and protest against it by becoming "big," lashing out and attacking. The withdrawers, on the other hand, feel uncomfortable with confrontation and conflict, so they usually "shrink" and withdraw.

For example, some people learn to express their needs by being vocal or even intense. Known as pursuers, they are the ones who reach for their partner, the ones who say, "We need to talk about this." They quickly learn that to get their needs acknowledged, they must get "big" and "loud." So, they are the ones who criticize, demand, yell, and generally get more intense. Though they may not want to be this way, they have adapted, learning that without intensity, their needs won't be met. Even if their partner responds with anger or frustration, a small response feels better than none at all.

On the other hand, withdrawers have realized that when they open up about their emotions, it doesn't really go well, as expressing emotions only leads to misunderstandings, tension, and conflicts. So, they choose to suppress their feelings without dealing with them to maintain peace. By keeping quiet and not "rocking the boat," they feel that at least things are good enough and at least they get some love back.

Recognizing Plan B as an Adaptive Strategy

By the time many couples come to marriage counseling Raleigh NC, or marriage retreat in North Carolina, they've mistaken their Plan B behaviors as their authentic selves. In fact, plan B is an adaptive coping mechanism—tools they've developed to navigate challenges and protect themselves. When both partners' Plan Bs clash, conflict arises.

In EFT, our goal is to help couples recognize that their defensive reactions are Plan B responses and are not who they truly are at the core. For example, when someone yells to be heard, it is because they feel alone, unseen, or unheard. This behavior, while distressing, has become their default mode for self-protection over time.

Working to Rebuild Plan A in Marriages

When couples reach a point of awareness, recognizing that these learned behaviors contribute to dissatisfaction and disconnection, they can start to unlearn Plan B. However, this shift doesn't happen overnight. It takes time and practice to replace old responses with new, healthier habits that foster intimacy and connection.

It'd be beneficial if couples were aware of their issues even before they end up in therapy. That way, you can understand your plan and why it might clash with your partner's. Once you understand that, you can get back on track together.

Transform Your Communication with Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC 

Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward understanding how you communicate your needs and emotions and how they impact your connection with your partner. Couples therapy Raleigh NC, offers a supportive and confidential environment where partners can explore and address recurring patterns in their relationship, have an open dialogue, and gain insight into their behaviors and communication styles. Top of Form

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Quality Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC, and Online Therapy North Carolina.

At Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC, I offer the best marriage counseling I can using the most empirically validated modality called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT).

This is not your typical weekly kind of therapy. I am here to help couples and individuals in relationships do what is proven to work to help them heal their relationships. Through marriage counseling Raleigh NC, marriage retreat in North Carolina, online therapy North Carolina, and individual counseling, there is something for every couple who wants to heal their relationship.

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Hi, I'm Irina Baechle LCSW, in Raleigh, NC. I believe in the power of healthy relationships and write on that topic. Whether you and a partner are co-creating a healthy marriage, or you are single navigating how to have healthy relationships, my content is for you. Let's make healthy, trustworthy marriages the norm instead of the exception! Topics I write about include marriage, infidelity, roommate marriages, sexless marriage, healthy second marriages, healing after toxic or unfaithful marriages.

Have questions about marriage counseling? Visit FAQ to find out more.

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