When Self-Care Feels Like a Crime, and When Overdoing It Leaves You Empty: Lessons from Marriage Counseling Wake Forest
Ever been called selfish for taking time for yourself? Perhaps you feel burned out from doing too much? Learn how these patterns show up in relationships and how marriage counseling Wake Forest helps couples find balance and reconnect.
Have you ever been called selfish for going to the gym after work, for getting up early to take care of your body, sleeping in on a Sunday morning, or attending a friend’s birthday out of town? Maybe even for leaving town for a family funeral?
If so, you’re not alone. In my marriage counseling Wake Forest sessions, I see this pattern of self-care “crime” all the time.
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The Self-Care “Crime” That Isn’t
How many times have you heard your partner say things like:
“Why are you always at the gym?”
“How long is that dinner with your friends going to last?”
“You’re leaving me with the kids again?”
“You’re… what?! (going away for a weekend with your girlfriends?)”
On the outside, those comments sound like criticism. They feel like judgment. But underneath, these comments are rarely about the gym, the dinner, or the trip. What feels like an attack from your partner towards you is actually a protest against disconnection.
Marriage Counselor Sheds Light on Unmet Needs Underneath
When we discuss these issues in marriage counseling Wake Forest sessions, the partner who feels criticized usually says that such comments frustrate them and make their blood boil. And I get it, I really do. But what feels like an attack on the surface, deep inside is actually a raw thought, fear, or disconnection that says something like:
I feel unimportant.
I feel deprioritized.
I feel alone together with you.
If only we could hear these messages… Perhaps what your partner is really expressing comes
from something in their past that hasn’t been processed, maybe it’s trust issues, unresolved trauma, or insecure attachment patterns learned in childhood. It may be the lingering effects of infidelity you’ve worked through together, but didn’t heal completely.
Because most of us lack the training, communication skills, and ability to understand what is really going on beneath the surface, and to use kind words in heated moments like this one, we lose our composure. We get dysregulated. We get flooded. And then, we just blow off. We “get big,” yell, criticize, and say things we later regret, or… we shut down. I’ll admit—I do this too.
The truth is that your partner is trying to tell you something. If you can listen to it without feeling criticized, attacked, blamed, or frustrated, many aspects of your communication and the relationship can change.
I’ve seen it many times in my marriage counseling practice that when couples can slow down enough to hear the protest behind the attack, things start to shift. You are unsure of how to do this? Marriage counseling Wake Forest NC can help.
Here’s a concrete tip.
Next time your partner seems upset about you taking time for yourself, pause and ask: “Is this really about the gym (or trip, or outing)… or are you feeling alone with me right now?” This creates a safety moment where you can talk about the real issue, which is loneliness and disconnection, rather than fighting about logistics.
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The Problem Isn’t the Gym… It’s the Loneliness
If you’re able to actually see that your partner’s reaction is a protest against disconnection, and not an attack on your personality or who you are, or all the meaning-making that your nervous system does in the moment, then you can slow down and really hear your partner out.
And again, the problem is not that you’re going to the gym, or to the funeral, or to your friend’s house. The real problem is that your partner has been feeling this way for some time—disconnected, rejected, unloved, alone, unimportant—and (for good reasons) hasn’t been able to communicate it to you directly. So instead, it comes out in the heat of the moment, and it goes south every time.
But here’s the trap: the more we defend ourselves, saying “I need to exercise!” or “It was just one night away,” the more our partner feels unheard and unseen. The cycle continues, leaving both partners feeling isolated and disconnected.
The point is, you don’t really need to choose between yourself and the relationship. In marriage counseling at Wake Forest, couples ask me all the time: “How do I deal with this? How do I take care of myself and my body, stay healthy for my children, and also be a good partner, a good wife, a good husband?” The truth is, you don’t have to make that choice. Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean you’re neglecting your marriage. What you actually need to do is create a safety moment where you can actually talk about what’s happening underneath these behaviors. The defensiveness, anger, frustration, yelling, and attacks are obvious. But we rarely slow down enough to say the real truth: “Actually, I feel alone. Actually, I feel unloved. Actually, I feel unimportant.”
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, which I use in my marriage counseling Wake Forest, helps partners step out of destructive dialogues, understand the raw spots that trigger painful reactions, and learn to communicate in a way that restores safety and connection.
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When Doing Too Much Becomes a Problem
There's another costly pattern I often see when working with couples in marriage counseling Wake Forest NC: proving yourself by doing too much.
Maybe this sounds familiar:
· You're always the one stepping up to help.
· You volunteer at your kids' school.
· You're helping your aging parents.
· You manage all the extracurriculars and school-related activities.
You're the go-to parent for everything. You're usually the one who just takes on extra work and pushes through things. And you keep going because you can. You feel competent and capable. You feel appreciated. But over time, something shifts. Instead of feeling appreciated, you begin to feel taken for granted. You start feeling exhausted and resentful. Instead of feeling secure, you begin to feel more alone and as if you're not enough. Instead of worthy, you feel invisible.
Why do we do this? Because doing more doesn't actually fix the deeper wound of unworthiness.
The Inherited Roots of Overdoing
For many of us, this pattern begins in childhood, within our family of origin, where, for one reason or another, we didn't feel loved or taken care of in the way we needed to. So, our nervous system developed a strategy for coping with feelings of unworthiness: If I keep people happy, if I overachieve, if I please everyone, and if I put a smile on everyone's faces, maybe I'll finally feel enough. That "brilliant" survival strategy might have carried us far, through school, career, even into marriage. Only later in life—sometimes in our mid-30s, for others in the mid-40s, or even later—we realize this is not working.
A Couples Therapist Explains The False Narrative of Not Being Enough
Many people who grew up in unhealthy families often feel abandoned, unloved, and unworthy. They learned to meet their parents' or caregivers' expectations to receive attention, approval, and love. As a result, these feelings and behaviors became part of who they are. They believe they are not good enough if they fail to meet other people's expectations.
I had a client who complained, "I do all these things, around the children and the house, helping out my partner with his business, taking care of my mom… and I'm not feeling more worthy. Actually, everything that I'm taking from the outside is not doing anything on the inside of me."
She worked full-time, planned their social activities, volunteered at her child's school, managed her parents' appointments, and ran the household. Her spouse often told her, "You're amazing! I don't know how you do it all." But she didn't feel amazing. She felt invisible. When she finally snapped, yelling, "I do everything around here and no one even notices!" her partner was shocked. He thought he had been supportive.
In marriage counseling Wake Forest NC, we unpacked the deeper wound: the belief that she was only valuable when she overdelivered.
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Breaking the Cycle with Marriage Counseling Wake Forest
You realize that no amount of external accomplishments will validate you and boost your sense of worth. For many of us, this is a big problem. How do you break this cycle of overdoing? Here are a few tips from a marriage counselor on how to let go of this invisible load and break free.
Bring awareness to everything you do.
You break the cycle by first bringing awareness and realizing, "This is what I do. I'm pushing myself too hard because I don't feel enough." Ask yourself before saying yes: "Am I doing this because I want to, or because I feel I have to prove myself?" By slowing yourself down and naming it, you start breaking the cycle. However, this is the hardest step, and it usually requires support from a professional.
Unearth the layers.
Then, on your own or with a therapist, you begin to unpack everything—unearthing the layers and gaining an understanding of what is happening beneath the surface. Journaling or individual therapy can help you unpack what's really underneath: old wounds, unmet needs, stories about worthiness.
Because it's not just people-pleasing. It's not just you wanting to do more. I often hear people say things like, "Oh, I keep myself busy because I get bored easily," or "I keep doing it because I can, and I'm competent," but really, underneath that is us feeling so insecure in our own skin without external accomplishments that we're willing to put our mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional health on fire and bend backwards so that we don't feel that unworthiness.
Redefine your value.
Worth isn't in how much you do. It's in being present, connected, and authentic. Through self-discovery strategies such as journaling and working with a therapist, you begin to understand that at the bottom of most overachieving and overdoing is the pain of not feeling good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or successful enough… all those narratives that bleed into us and drive the cycle of overworking and overachieving.
In marriage counseling Wake Forest, I help couples recognize how these individual patterns, such as insecure attachment, overdoing, people-pleasing, or shutting down, spill into the relationship. One partner gets burned out, the other feels left behind, and both end up disconnected.
You might also find helpful: Why EFT Focused Marriage Retreat in North Carolina?
Final Thoughts
"I'm scared you'll leave me behind."
"If I don't do it all, I won't be enough."
Whether it's defending your self-care or drowning in overdoing, both patterns come from the same root: fear of disconnection. Healthy marriages don't require perfection. They need awareness, honest conversations, and the courage to break free from unhelpful patterns.
If you're stuck in an unhealthy relationship dance, you may be arguing about time apart, resenting who does more, or feeling burned out by the invisible emotional and cognitive load. But know that you don't have to do it alone. Marriage counseling Wake Forest offers a safe space to unpack what's really happening, learn to hear each other's raw fears, and rebuild a connection that lasts.
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Quality Marriage Counseling Wake Forest NC
At Marriage Counseling Wake Forest NC, I offer the best marriage counseling I can using the most empirically validated modality called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT).
This is not your typical weekly kind of therapy. I am here to help couples and individuals in relationships do what is proven to work to help them heal their relationships. Through marriage retreat in North Carolina, online therapy North Carolina, and Ketamine Therapy, there is something for every couple who wants to heal their relationship.
Hi, I'm Irina Baechle, LCSW, in Raleigh, NC. I believe in the power of healthy relationships and write on that topic.
Whether you and a partner are co-creating a healthy marriage or you are single , navigating how to have healthy relationships, my content is for you.
Let's make healthy, trustworthy marriages the norm instead of the exception!
Topics I write about include marriage, infidelity, roommate marriages, sexless marriage, healthy second marriages, ketamine assisted psychotherapy, and healing after toxic or unfaithful marriages.
Have questions about marriage counseling? Visit the FAQ to find out more.
Other blog posts you might find helpful:
Coming from an Unhealthy Family: How It’s Affecting Your Marriage?
Coming from an Unhealthy Family: 3 Powerful Ways to Deal with It Today
Roommate Marriage: Why Does It Happen with Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC.
