Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC: Things Not to Do in an Argument – Part One
It is not possible to be in a relationship and not have arguments and conflicts. Still, the presence of a conflict for most of us means stress and discomfort. To avoid dealing with a rush of negative feelings, we often just put off talking about the issue or simply ignore it. Or you've been taught since you were little that conflict is bad and something you should avoid whenever possible. However, avoiding conflicts doesn't help in the long run. It actually makes things worse. When we steer clear of conflicts, tension builds instead of easing. Problems grow, resentment increases, and people become distant and stressed, which puts a strain on relationships.
Arguments are a regular part of any relationship. However, certain habits can make them much worse than they need to be. These are some big mistakes that I often see couples making in marriage counseling in Raleigh, NC. If you find yourself stuck in the same cycle of conflict with your partner, it might not be about what you're arguing about, but how you're arguing.
In this post, I'd like to talk about common mistakes couples make during arguments that make their fights worse, and how to avoid them, because they are super easy to prevent. Small shifts in how you approach each other during emotionally charged moments can help you de-escalate tension, improve communication, and create a safer emotional space for both of you.
Marriage Counselor in Raleigh NC Explores Common Mistakes That Make Arguments Worse in Relationships and How to Avoid Them
Bringing Up a List of the Things You Do Around the House
One of the most common mistakes I see during arguments is listing all the things you do around the house as a defense. Believe it or not – and you may already be aware of this – a lot of fifths are "the dishwasher fights" or "the laundry fights" – arguments about small stuff that don't really matter in the long run. Still, their accumulation really compromises emotional safety in relationships.
So, defending ourselves with a to-do list often starts when one partner brings up something that the other partner didn't do. For example, one partner may ask, "Did you pick up the dry cleaning?" "Did you feed the dog?" or "Did you start the laundry?" and the other responds, "No, I didn't, but I already did the dishes, took out the trash, paid the bills, and grabbed the groceries. I already do so much around the house. I do all these things – all the time."
That can be such a huge trigger for a lot of people because they feel attacked. When people feel attacked, they get defensive. If this is you, bringing all these things you've done seems like a way to prove you're contributing or that you are a good person, but it can quickly backfire. Your partner may feel unheard or dismissed, especially if their love language is acts of service.
If they ask you to do a particular thing, and you fail to do it, they might feel unsafe, unsupported, and unloved, even though that wasn't your intention.
So, all of a sudden, the fight evolves into talking about some unimportant stuff, but what actually happens is that one partner feels blamed and attacked, which leads them to go into defense mode. They begin to defend themselves because they want to say, "I feel bad, and I don't like to feel bad, so I make a case for myself and justify my feelings, but that creates a problem." And this becomes a pattern and a cycle in a relationship.
The issue here isn't about who does more, but how defensive responses derail the conversation and trigger deeper emotional wounds. When we feel blamed, it's natural to want to prove ourselves, but this shifts the conversation away from connection and into a courtroom battle over who does more.
Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC Provides Space to Learn How to Tolerate Your Partner's Opinion without Getting Dysregulated
When you feel blamed by your partner in this way, the best thing you can do is to respond briefly and then leave it alone, not saying anything else. So, if your partner asks about something you forgot to do, resist the urge to get defensive. Simply respond, "No, I didn't, I am sorry," and end the conversation there. Just observe how you get into defensive mode. We all do it and are so good at getting self-protective when we feel attacked. But it is super easy to slow ourselves down and see where we are coming from. This may feel uncomfortable at first, but simply owning up without explaining yourself can immediately lower the emotional temperature.
Even if you might not be able to stop yourself as you are in this moment of disconnection, you may be able to go back to it five minutes or one hour later—it really doesn't matter—and say something like, "Oh man, I got defensive. I'm sorry." That alone could shift your dynamic and the sense of safety in your relationship.
Are You Seeking Validation Through Verbal Scorekeeping?
Another argument trap I see in couples therapy Raleigh NC, is verbal scorekeeping. This happens when one partner keeps noticing and pointing out everything they are doing in the house or in a relationship, not in defense, but in an attempt to feel seen.
This usually sounds like, "Well, I did the dishes, and I took the trash out, and I also cleaned up the kitchen, and I filed that paper, and I returned the Amazon package, and I did that and this too." And then the other partner says, "I do all these things too, and I never talk about them. Why do you have to say it all out loud? Just do them and move on—get over it."
So, what the partner who is noticing and naming all the things they're doing is actually doing whether consciously or unconsciously, is actually looking for validation from their partner.
They're looking for that sense of "I see you," because somewhere, maybe deep inside or maybe not so deep, they don't feel good enough in their partner's eyes.
They're building a case, proving their value—to themselves and their partner—like, "Look, I do this and this and this and that." But that behavior alone can be really annoying to the other partner, especially if they don't do that kind of thing themselves. They already feel like they're carrying the weight of the relationship, the family, the kids, or whatever else.
Couples Therapy Raleigh NC Explains How to Pause, Tune In, and Choose a Better Moment for Recognition
If you can relate, try just noticing your urge to say everything you're doing out loud. Try to pause and just feel the mood and see how your partner is responding. Are they in a position to receive that information? Or would it be better to share your need for appreciation at a calmer time?
Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is pause, breathe, and not say what you were about to say. If the desire for recognition continues, consider bringing it up gently during a non-conflict moment.
Pushing When Your Partner Says They Need Space: A Marriage Counselor Explains Why We Do It & What to Do Instead
Another pattern I often see in marriage counseling Raleigh and marriage retreat in North Carolina is this: one partner does not know how to stop during an argument when their partner decides they are done talking. What happens? One partner wants to talk it out right now, but the other says, "I can't do this. I need space."
Sound familiar?
This is a dynamic where one person feels anxious and disconnected, and they push for immediate resolution. They want to process and be done with the argument so they can feel happy and connected again. They may have a hard time when things aren't going well between them and their partner, so it's easy to understand where the pursuit and the push are coming from. Meanwhile, the other is emotionally flooded. They feel they are out of capacity to process any new information, so they start pulling away. The more one pushes, the more the other withdraws, and things either explode or completely shut down.
Why This Happens
In most relationships, the dynamics revolve around the pursue-withdraw cycle. This pattern often comes from partners' different attachment styles. Usually, one partner is the pursuer. They seek connection and want to talk things out. It's that partner who protests more loudly while fighting. They want to resolve issues quickly and feel connected to their partner. The other partner, the withdrawer, reacts to stress and conflict by staying quiet and emotionally distant. They tend to pull away and become less engaged.
The partner who pushes may not be trying to escalate the argument. They're trying to fix it, to get back to "okay." They want closure, connection, and reassurance. But if their partner is emotionally flooded and says they're done talking, pushing them more often leads to complete disconnection and a lack of understanding.
What to do instead: Pause and Pay Attention to the Emotions Beneath
Take a pause. If your partner says they are done and need to pause, let them.
But also, set an agreement in advance. For example, if you know that your partner tends to push during arguments, say something like, "When you push, I feel unsafe. I get overwhelmed and shut down. I love you and don't want to say things I don't mean. Let's take a break and talk about it in half an hour or sometime later today. How would it be for you to step back? I promise I'll come back when I'm ready and we can talk more about this."
And that "I promise" moment is essential because the partner who seeks connection will feel abandoned and misunderstood if the other one just shuts down. If you're the one who asked for the pause, you have to be the one who says, "Hey, let's talk about it." Your promise to come back helps the partner who needs connection feel secure that the issue isn't being ignored; it's just postponed for the sake of calm communication. Some couples even come up with a code word—something neutral or funny, like "banana"—that signals a mutual agreement to pause and return later.
Again, nothing good comes when one partner keeps pushing while the other feels dysregulated and overwhelmed. They may also be trying to protect the relationship from escalating by closing up because they don't want to say something they don't mean.
Marriage counseling Raleigh NC gives you the tools and knowledge to tolerate each other's desires without getting dysregulated. If you are struggling to do this on your own, then you would definitely benefit from counseling support with a trained therapist. Individual therapy or couples counseling can help you expand that window of tolerance and learn how to give yourself space and wait for your partner to come back to you without jumping to conclusions or feeling offended and abandoned.
Marriage Counselor Unpacks How to Stop Ignoring the Need to Pause and Regulate
Not stopping when a partner says they are done talking is one of the big topics I often see coming up in marriage counseling Raleigh NC. It is important to learn how to communicate during these moments. So, when your partner says "I'm done talking," and it feels like rejection, remember they aren't rejecting you; they're trying to protect the relationship from escalation.
We all get dysregulated. We all hit a point where more talking just means more emotional danger. When your partner is signaling that they're overwhelmed, honor that signal. Pushing forward only leads to bigger explosions or deeper shutdowns.
How to Stop Stonewalling
Stonewalling is another common thing we do when we feel overwhelmed. It is the habit of shutting down completely when emotionally flooded, which can be really difficult for our partner. If you find yourself going silent, walking away, or checking out emotionally in the middle of a conflict, you may be stonewalling your partner. For them, this can feel confusing and even cruel. It creates a wall between you and your partner when they may be desperate for connection and clarity. But stonewalling isn't about being cold. It often comes from fear of saying the wrong thing, not being good enough, or being hurt or abandoned.
If you recognize this pattern in yourself, take some time to explore what's underneath it. Take a moment for emotional regulation. Go for a walk to self-soothe. Do a breathing exercise. Write your thoughts down instead of saying them. What emotions are you protecting yourself from? These are usually intense and distressing emotions. A lot of times, there are fears and insecurities that push us to shut down and withdraw from our partner. For example, you may shut down because you're scared of messing up or making your partner more upset. You don't know how to fix the problem, so you pull away to avoid further damage.
Sharing these vulnerable thoughts can create a bridge where there once was a wall. It helps your partner understand you, rather than feel pushed away.
Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC: When You Just Can't Regulate on Your Own
If any of these patterns feel familiar, and you cannot shift them even when you try, it might be time to seek support. Dysregulation during conflict isn't a sign that you are weak or bad. It's a signal that your nervous system is overwhelmed.
Couples counseling or individual therapy can help you learn skills to:
· Expand your window of tolerance
· Regulate emotions during conflict
· Develop healthy communication habits
Remember: the goal isn't to stop arguing forever. The goal is to argue better. To build emotional safety. To repair and reconnect more quickly.
Final Thoughts: It's Not About Being Perfect
None of us is immune to getting defensive, shutting down, or pushing too hard. These behaviors stem from our human need for love, safety, and connection. However, it is essential to find the words beneath the behavior, so you can share them with your partner, allowing them to support you and do things that work for you in that moment.
When you start recognizing your patterns, you can change them. One pause. One promise to come back. One moment of self-awareness at a time.
Stay tuned for Part Two, where we'll explore more common argument pitfalls and how to transform them into connection moments.
Quality Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC, and Online Therapy North Carolina.
At Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC, I offer the best marriage counseling I can using the most empirically validated modality called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT).
This is not your typical weekly kind of therapy. I am here to help couples and individuals in relationships do what is proven to work to help them heal their relationships. Through marriage counseling Raleigh NC, marriage retreat in North Carolina, online therapy North Carolina, and individual counseling, there is something for every couple who wants to heal their relationship.
Hi, I'm Irina Baechle, LCSW, in Raleigh, NC. I believe in the power of healthy relationships and write on that topic. Whether you and a partner are co-creating a healthy marriage or you are single, navigating how to have healthy relationships, my content is for you. Let's make healthy, trustworthy marriages the norm instead of the exception! Topics I write about include marriage, infidelity, roommate marriages, sexless marriage, healthy second marriages, and healing after toxic or unfaithful marriages.
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