The Fallacy of Fairness: Why Striving for 50/50 Can Hurt Your Marriage-with Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC
As a licensed relationship therapist serving clients through marriage counseling Raleigh NC and online therapy North Carolina, I work with individuals and couples, helping them ditch unrealistic expectations and build marriages that actually work in real life.
One common belief that comes up in nearly every couples therapy session I do is that marriage should be 50/50. If you're nodding along right now, let me stop you—because this belief is not only unrealistic, it's actively hurting marriages.
What Exactly Does 50/50 in a Relationship Mean?
The 50/50 rule or mindset in a relationship means that both partners contribute equally—emotionally, financially, and in terms of responsibilities, patience, kindness, and every other way that matters in a healthy partnership. It's about sharing the load evenly, so no one feels overwhelmed.
The 50/50 Marriage Myth
To most of us, the 50/50 concept may sound like a solid plan. You do your part, I'll do mine. We split the chores, the emotional labor, the parenting, the bills—everything—right down the middle. That way, no one feels like they're carrying too much. Seems fair, right? In theory, yes. In practice?
This is the tip I will give you: 50/50 marriages don't exist. It's the biggest myth that you will ever hear of. Here's why.
Why 50/50 Sounds Good but Doesn't Work
The reason why 50/50 marriages do not exist is that it's impossible for a person to have the same amount of energy every day, every week, every month. Nothing in real life is perfectly balanced. Sometimes, one partner may need to give more while the other is struggling, and that's okay.
We like the idea of fairness. It sounds logical. Safe. Balanced. But we are not robots; we are humans. You don't wake up every day with the same level of energy. Your mood changes, your hormones change, and so does your capacity. Your needs shift. Your workload shifts. Your health shifts. What happens when you both just have 20 or even less? It falls apart fast.
Marriage Counselor in Raleigh NC Explains How Striving for 50/50 Can Hurt Your Marriage
The 50/50 model is that it creates a rigid framework that doesn't match reality. When you hold onto this framework too tightly, people start to keep score and may resent each other if one person feels that the other isn't contributing fairly. You start measuring each other like business partners or roommates instead of teammates, thinking, "I did bedtime three nights in a row," "I cleaned the kitchen, and you didn't even notice," "I'm the one always paying the bills." This resentment bubbles up under your marriage's surface. One person feels like they're doing more. The other feels criticized or inadequate. Both feel misunderstood. And neither feels close.
And it eventually snowballs, causing conflicts and leading to what Dr Gottman calls the four horsemen of the apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. When these communication patterns happen often, the chance of divorce increases greatly.
Nothing in your life is static—so why would your marriage be? As long as there's mutual understanding, respect, and a willingness to support each other when it counts.
Adopting a More Realistic Model with Marriage Counseling Raleigh: The 80/20 Shift
So, you've got to learn to adapt instead. What I usually tell couples in therapy sessions or marriage retreat in North Carolina is to aim for an 80/20 rule in their marriages.
What does this mean in real life?
Some days, both you and your partner can feel exhausted and just not have it in you when it comes to energy, patience, kindness, and mood. Brené Brown, a research professor and author, known for her work on vulnerability and empathy, says, that anytime you have less than a 100 combined, sit down to quantify where you are and figure out the plan of kindness toward each other. "A partnership works only when you can carry your partner's 20, and they can carry your 20. And when you both just have 20, you have a plan so that you don't hurt each other," Brown says.
In my own marriage, there are weeks when I pull 80% of the load—managing the kids, household responsibilities, and emotional labor. Other weeks, my husband does. Because that's what we have to give at the moment. Some weeks, I give more. Some weeks, he does. We adapt. For instance, sometimes, my husband calls and says, "I had a rough day. I can't do the dishes or pack lunches tonight. I just don't have it in me." And I say, "It's okay. I got you." Because next week, it might be me calling it in. That's what real support looks like.
But here's the key: we talk about it. Every week, we check in. Because I don't know how he's feeling unless he tells me, and he doesn't know where I'm at unless I speak up.
I teach this in marriage counseling Raleigh NC sessions and Marriage Retreat in North Carolina. Having this fixed, rigid understanding of how sharing responsibility in a relationship or marriage should work can harm your relationship and your emotional well-being. Because when our relationship doesn't work this way, we collapse and burn out. Let's not do that. Do not subscribe to and buy into this societal 50/50 formula that does not exist in real life. Healthy relationships require adaptability. Not everything is even all the time, and that's okay.
Couples Therapy Raleigh for a Flexible, Adaptive Partnership
Couples therapy, including online therapy North Carolina and marriage retreat in North Carolina, is a safe place to unlearn and break free from this conditioned 50/50 belief. With the right support, you can learn to approach things differently for the sake of your marriage and your own well-being. And yes, your emotional and mental health are deeply connected to how satisfied you feel in your relationship. This isn't just opinion—it's backed by solid research.
Your marriage will drastically change if you shift your mindset and take a moment to check in with how you and your partner are feeling, ideally every day or at least on a weekly basis. Let's explore the power of these regular check-ins and figure out how to do it in the most natural and caring way.
The Power of Regular Check-Ins: Real Conversations Prevent Burnout
If there's one practice I recommend to every couple in marriage counseling Raleigh sessions, it's this: have daily, or at least weekly, check-ins. This is one of the most powerful ways to open up and be truly present with one another. In the chaos of daily life, it's easy to stop talking about what really matters—and that's where disconnection begins. It doesn't have to be long or complicated—just honest and consistent conversations where you both pause to ask and listen to how the other is really doing.
Let's say your partner feels they have been handling most of the housework and childcare lately and starts silently keeping score. They don't say anything, but resentment builds; it's almost palpable. They snap at you for the slightest reason or just go quiet and shut you out. Meanwhile, you're overwhelmed at work and have no idea why your spouse feels so frustrated. You're both stuck in a loop, each assuming the other should be doing their 50%. But here's the thing: neither of you is operating at full capacity.
A five-minute check-in could break that pattern. Just saying, "Hey, I'm feeling worn out lately. Can we look at how we're dividing things this week?" "What's your stress level like this week?" "Would you like me to take kids to school this week?" or "Could you take more off my plate right now?" creates space for empathy and adjustment. Communicate without blame. Just focus on genuinely seeing and hearing one another.
I cannot stress this enough: you have to talk about how you're doing—regularly.
You know why? Because these tiny moments of vulnerability build trust, prevent resentment, and help you both feel seen, heard, and valued. These small, consistent conversations could prevent days (or weeks) of tension. They prevent blowups later. They keep you connected, informed, and responsive to each other's needs. When you regularly communicate your needs, clarify expectations, listen with intent, and show empathy, you create a safe space for love to grow. And when conflicts happen—as they will—it's not about never arguing, but about learning how to repair, take responsibility, and reconnect.
The good news? You don't have to figure this all out on your own. Couples therapy Raleigh can help you transform how you show up in your relationship and build the kind of connection that lasts.
What to Say When You're Running on Empty
It's okay to be honest. Don't let your partner guess how you feel or what you need. Guessing usually leads to disappointment and resentment. If you're the one who feels mentally, emotionally, and/or physically spent, say something like, "I feel overwhelmed right now." "I need you to step in. I don't have it in me to do my usual stuff." "Can you take over for me today?" Being transparent about your feelings, needs, and capacities helps your partner know what they can count on and how to support you.
Getting Past Feeling Guilty
Guilt is another big part of this picture, especially for women. In most cultures, women are raised to be providers and nurturers, expected to handle it all without complaint. You keep track of school runs, meals, appointments, and all other activities, manage the household, and care for everyone's needs. Your daily responsibilities often exceed what you can realistically manage, creating the invisible load that breeds resentment and burnout.
You might think, "But I feel bad asking for help. I feel guilty not doing my part." Exactly. This is what you were taught—to measure your worth by how much you can carry or by how much you can do without asking for help. To believe that, unless you're contributing your precise 50%, you're failing.
But here's the truth: guilt keeps people stuck in burnout. Asking for help is self-care, not weakness. So, let go. Ask for what you need. Show up in the ways you can, and trust your partner to do the same.
How to Shift Your Relationship Mindset: A Marriage Counselor's Take on 80/20
A healthy, stable relationship is all about being able to adapt, open up, and be honest with each other. When your partner is having a rough week, pick up the slack. When you're the one struggling, let them do more. That's the give-and-take. That's a real partnership.
Couples who ground their connection in communication, compassion, and flexibility handle stress more effectively, recover faster from conflict, and add to the emotional bank account they can tap into during challenging and stressful times.
This is what I help couples build in marriage retreats in North Carolina and Marriage counseling Raleigh sessions.
Couples Counseling Raleigh: When to Get Professional Support
Sometimes, even when a couple makes an effort to communicate, adapt, and stay flexible, they still find themselves struggling. No matter how hard you try, it can still feel like things just aren't working—and that's okay. If you're stuck in a rut, reach out. Sometimes, you need an outside perspective.
That's where marriage counseling Raleigh can help. A skilled counselor's support goes way beyond solving surface-level disagreements. It's about learning to create safety and an emotional connection in your relationship. In marriage counseling Raleigh and online therapy North Carolina, you'll discover that true communication is not just about the words you're saying. It is about how you make each other feel and how you reach out when you feel vulnerable or when things between you two become heated. It's about how you show up for one another and have each other's back. And it's about being true to yourself and your partner.
When you feel emotionally safe, you're more open, less defensive, and better able to truly hear one another. That's the foundation for real change and a lasting connection.
Whether you seek couples counseling Raleigh or a marriage retreat in North Carolina, therapy can deepen your understanding of yourself, your partner, and the patterns that shape your relationship. It can help you break unhealthy cycles, learn effective communication, rebuild emotional safety, and create a new, realistic mindset in your marriage. But remember that a real, lasting change takes more than just showing up for your marriage therapy Raleigh sessions—it requires a shared vision, commitment to growth, and follow-through outside of sessions.
It's not a quick fix, so come with realistic expectations and a willingness to do the work. That's how you'll get the most out of the process.
Final Thoughts from a Marriage Counselor
A relationship that thrives is not built on perfect balance or equality but on effective communication and resilience. Let go of the 50/50 myth. It's not real. It's not fair. And it's not helping you.
Instead, build a relationship that's rooted in empathy, emotional safety, and a willingness to show up for each other in the moments that matter most, even when it's not "your turn."
Trust me—your marriage, your mood, and even your sex life will feel the difference.
Quality Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC, and Online Therapy North Carolina
At Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC, I offer the best marriage counseling I can using the most empirically validated modality called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT).
This is not your typical weekly kind of therapy. I am here to help couples and individuals in relationships do what is proven to work to help them heal their relationships. Through marriage counseling Raleigh NC, marriage retreat in North Carolina, online therapy North Carolina, and individual counseling, there is something for every couple who wants to heal their relationship.
Hi, I'm Irina Baechle, LCSW, in Raleigh, NC. I believe in the power of healthy relationships and write on that topic. Whether you and a partner are co-creating a healthy marriage or you are single, navigating how to have healthy relationships, my content is for you. Let's make healthy, trustworthy marriages the norm instead of the exception! Topics I write about include marriage, infidelity, roommate marriages, sexless marriage, healthy second marriages, and healing after toxic or unfaithful marriages.
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