Why Smart, Successful People Struggle in Relationships & How to Fix It-with Marriage Counseling Raleigh

There's something I see a lot in both individual and couples therapy Raleigh NC. I see people who often say, "I'm smart. I'm successful. And I'm in my third marriage. What's wrong with me?"

It's actually super easy to understand. It's easier than you think. Here's why.

In marriage counseling Raleigh NC sessions, when I work with individuals or couples who tell me, "I am professionally successful. I'm very competent. I'm smart. But I'm on my third marriage, and it's not working out again," the first thing I want to say is—you're not alone. There are many, many other high-achievers going through challenges similar to yours. And yes, I can help.

Not to minimize your professional success—I understand how much stamina, dedication, and effort it takes to get where you are. But building relationships, especially with people you love, is a lot harder than just being successful in your career. It's so much more complicated. If it weren't, I wouldn't have a job.

Why Marriages Feel So Hard

Meaningful, strong, and healthy relationships don't happen by chance. Like all valuable aspects of life, our relationships require us to invest time, energy, and effort to flourish. Still, building and maintaining healthy relationships has become more challenging than ever. With the pressures of work, family responsibilities, technology distractions, and social media, most of us often find it challenging to prioritize meaningful connections, communicate effectively, and nurture long-lasting bonds.

There are several reasons why maintaining a strong romantic relationship is tough, even for high-achievers:

Your emotional investment is different in your professional and private life.

You are emotionally invested in your romantic relationships on a completely different level than you are at work. You can keep professional relationships at arm's length, but with your partner, it's personal. It's vulnerable. That changes everything.

Your attachment styles matter.

You have learned to connect with people in a unique way. We call this attachment style. The way we grew up, the way we've handled relationships in the past, and the way we learned to cope all shape how we form our adult relationships.

We develop secure attachment in early childhood when our caregivers are loving, responsive, and consistently meet our needs. A secure attachment formed from caring interactions with caregivers helps us have healthy relationships as adults. It helps us build intimacy, handle conflicts, and maintain independence. In contrast, a childhood marked by confusing, inconsistent, or harmful dynamics, with parents who did not meet your emotional needs, can lead to insecure attachments that negatively impact your adult relationships. If your attachment style is avoidant, for example, you're going to struggle with emotional closeness in a relationship.

On the other hand, if you had a secure upbringing, you can maintain your identity within a partnership. You trust others, encourage openness, and set and respect boundaries. Instead of avoiding conflict, you focus on resolving issues after disagreements.

Your tendency to intellectualize spills over into your private life.

The same skills that help you succeed professionally, such as strategizing, problem-solving, and staying emotionally detached, often work against you in a marriage. At work, you know how to handle challenges. You strategize, organize, and execute your projects like a pro. You may even thrive on the hassle and the hustle. You love the game. But when you use that same in your relationship, it can hurt rather than help.

When you intellectualize emotions to cope with discomfort, you create a safe but distant space between yourself and the raw, vulnerable parts of your experience. On the surface, you protect yourself from pain. But you also shield yourself from true connection. While intellectualizing things may offer a sense of control, it ultimately keeps you isolated, making it harder for your partner to reach you and for you to feel seen and secure.

Dr. Sue Johnson, a leading innovator in the field of couples therapy, explains that when one partner seeks emotional connection and the other partner responds with logic instead of emotionally, it can feel like they are disregarding the first partner's request for closeness. In times of distress, what we truly need is emotional reassurance, not logic and reasoning. We want to feel loved, secure, and safe rather than receiving advice or rational explanations.

Relationships aren't about "solving" a problem or "winning" an argument. They require presence, vulnerability, and emotional openness.

Ask Yourself: What Do You Really Want

Try practicing this simple exercise: from time to time, stop everything and ask yourself: What do I really want? You can either journal about it or simply take some time to reflect on this question.

We often act like we have all the time in the world. It's like things will magically fix themselves someday. But guess what? We don't have unlimited time. No one knows how long we have, and time is the most precious thing we own.

I asked one of my clients this question the other day. They said, "I really want to spend time with my kids. But I have all this work, all these responsibilities, all these priorities…" And I was like—what are you doing? If what you truly want is more time with your kids, why are you constantly prioritizing work over them? The same goes for your health. Maybe you say, "I want to lose weight," or "I want to get in shape." But then it's, "Oh, I don't have time to work out. I don't have time to eat healthy."

These are excuses. Excuses we tell ourselves so we don't have to face the reality of our choices. Nothing is going to just happen on its own. Your workout routine won't magically appear in your schedule. Time with your kids won't create itself. Connection with your partner won't restore itself without effort.

Building a Healthy Connection with Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC: Do You Choose to Be Right or Happy in Your Relationship?

Many couples who seek marriage counseling Raleigh or marriage retreat in North Carolina say they feel trapped in cycles of conflict, arguing over the same issues repeatedly. A question that I often ask to help break this pattern is, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?"—a phrase I borrowed from renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel.

When things get heated, stop for a moment and ask yourself if proving your point is worth damaging your relationship. Our need to be "right" can erode trust and connection. If your goal is a meaningful, safe, and connected partnership, then your focus needs to shift from winning an argument to communicating in a way that nurtures the relationship. How can you achieve this? By being mindful of how you respond when you feel triggered, keeping emotions in check, and understanding what triggers one another. It's important to ask, "Is this argument really worth it?" because ultimately, you can be right and divorced or let go of the need to win and be happy in your marriage.

What Can You Do?

When emotions become overwhelming, slowing down is crucial. Techniques such as deep breathing, taking a time-out, or journaling can help regain clarity and control. A simple breathing exercise—sitting or lying down, inhaling deeply, and allowing the breath to fill the stomach, lungs, and brain—can quickly calm the nervous system.

Activating your inner parent when tensions rise—the part of you that soothes rather than escalates—can help maintain emotional balance. Instead of insisting on being right, offer reassurance. If your partner is distressed, rather than fixing the problem, rationalizing, or defending your viewpoint, focus on fostering connection. Fill tense moments with empathy by acknowledging their feelings. Try saying something like, "I understand that you're really upset right now. Would you like to talk about it? I'm here for you." Simply listening without judgment or interruption can be more powerful than offering a solution.

If you need accountability, get it. Find a friend. Hire a coach. Work with a therapist who is skilled in this area—someone who can help you build the skills, set intentions, follow through, and hold you accountable. Someone who can call you out on your excuses. Outsource help if you need it. Because this is your life. And you deserve to live it the way you want.

Marriage Counseling Raleigh: No Intimacy in Your Marriage—Here's Why Talking Can Change Everything

Many individuals and couples I work with seek couples counseling and online therapy North Carolina because they still love but don't like each other anymore. So, maybe your struggle isn't just about relationships ending. Perhaps you're in a relationship or marriage that feels… stuck right now.

Are you in a marriage that feels sexless, passionless, or very mundane? If so, you are not alone. I want to normalize this experience and validate you because I do see you, and I do see this in my office all the time. Couples who, five to ten years into marriage, feel like they've lost their sense of romance, their deeper connection—not just with their partner but also with their children and themselves. People are so busy with their lives that they find themselves feeling purposeless very early in their marriages. Many couples end up feeling more like friends or roommates, and they start to wonder what happened to all the passion they used to have in their relationship. They're not necessarily unhappy enough to divorce. But they're definitely not happy.

One Simple Step to Reignite Connection

One of the most important things I tell couples is that even just sharing this truth with your partner can be a profound step toward change.

Right now, after reading this, stop what you're doing. Go to your partner—whether in person, by text, or by phone—and say something like this: "I really miss you. I love you. I value you."

That's it.

You might think, "That sounds too simple. Too stupid. How is that going to help?"

But here's the thing—if you say this to your partner, who probably feels the exact same way but just might not have the language to express it—you open that channel of communication. This allows both of you to feel vulnerable and openly discuss your feelings and needs. Maybe your partner doesn't have the skills to come to you first. Maybe they feel shut down, hurt, or like there's unresolved tension in the relationship. But when you take that first step, you create the opportunity for change.

Why We Avoid Vulnerability?

The fear of vulnerability is deeply ingrained in us and often shapes how we build our relationships. We learn early on that being vulnerable is equal to showing weakness, so we try to protect ourselves by suppressing emotions and creating walls. Yet, true intimacy thrives on vulnerability—it is the key to trust, connection, and meaningful relationships. Vulnerability is, in reality, an act of courage. Being open with our emotions fosters deeper bonds, strengthens communication, and transforms our relationships.  

Facing Vulnerability Shrinks Pain and Increases Intimacy

For many couples, intimacy issues are something that should not be discussed. But the pain grows in silence. When you avoid it, when you suppress it, it festers, leading to miscommunication, conflict, trust issues, infidelity, and severe emotional distress. But it doesn't have to be this way. When you face it—when you touch those painful moments, when you are vulnerable, and talk about them—pain shrinks.

And what increases? Connection. Intimacy. The feeling of actually being seen by your partner again.

So if you're sitting there thinking, "Yeah, this is a silly tip," let me assure you—people pay thousands of dollars to hear this advice in therapy. And why pay that money if you can try it for free? Try it three times, on different occasions, and see what happens. Trust the process. Trust the science.

Because it's not just me saying this—there's research backing it up. Through empirically established exercises, the modality I use in marriage counseling Raleigh NC, called emotionally focused therapy or EFT, can help you increase awareness of each other's emotional needs and signals. You'll get better at spotting how you reach out when you're feeling off or triggered and how your partner acts when they're upset.

Perhaps you "get big," shout, cry, or lash out? Do you shut down, walk away, or ignore your partner instead? EFT support extends far beyond just the physical components of your relationship. For example, this simple exercise will increase your emotional closeness, which can in turn rekindle your passion and improve your sexual life. In short, when you face your pain and talk about it, things happen.

Studies show that most couples who try emotionally focused couples therapy (EFCT) see a significant boost in their emotional well-being. About 70–75% of couples say that EFT has helped them move from a tough spot to feeling better. Plus, around 90% of couples notice real improvements after going through EFT.

Final Thoughts from a Marriage Counselor

If you're struggling in your relationship—whether you're in your third marriage or feeling stuck in a passionless one—you're not alone. And it's not hopeless, no matter how it looks.

But you do have to take action. You do have to prioritize what truly matters to you. And you do have to be willing to show up and be vulnerable.

If you need help, find it. If you need accountability, seek it. And if you're ready to make a change, start today.

Quality Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC, and Online Therapy North Carolina

At Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC, I offer the best marriage counseling I can using the most empirically validated modality called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT).

This is not your typical weekly kind of therapy. I am here to help couples and individuals in relationships do what is proven to work to help them heal their relationships. Through marriage counseling Raleigh NC, marriage retreat in North Carolina, online therapy North Carolina, and individual counseling, there is something for every couple who wants to heal their relationship.

Hi, I'm Irina Baechle LCSW, in Raleigh, NC. I believe in the power of healthy relationships and write on that topic. Whether you and a partner are co-creating a healthy marriage, or you are single navigating how to have healthy relationships, my content is for you. Let's make healthy, trustworthy marriages the norm instead of the exception! Topics I write about include marriage, infidelity, roommate marriages, sexless marriage, healthy second marriages, healing after toxic or unfaithful marriages.

Have questions about marriage counseling? Visit FAQ to find out more.

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