Nighttime Phone Use and Emotional Disconnect: One Tiny Habit That Can Heal Your Relationship – Tips from a Marriage Counselor in Wake Forest NC
Communication challenges are often at the root of many relationship problems. In my experience as a marriage counselor, this is also one of the things that commonly brings couples to counseling. Today, I’d like to discuss one issue that comes up again and again when I work with couples in marriage counseling Wake Forest NC office: bedtime behavior. Two things, more specifically: phone use at night and those heavy late-night conversations in bed. If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. Many couples I work with in couples therapy Raleigh NC face similar challenges. While these issues might seem minor at first, believe me, over time, they can seriously rock your relationship.
Let's break down why these late-night moments matter and how a few small shifts can transform emotional disconnect into a deeper connection.
Why Bedtime Conversations Can Be So Harmful
Regular check-ins and open communication with our partner are the foundation of a happy and successful marriage. A marriage where both partners feel seen, heard, and validated—where we can be vulnerable and share how we feel without fear that our partner will judge or abandon us. However, there's a right time and place for everything, and it's important to choose the right moment. Heavy conversations at nighttime are simply not great for your mental, emotional, or spiritual health—or even for your sleep hygiene.
The thing is, we are usually so busy during the day. Between jobs, responsibilities, kids, bedtimes, cooking, cleaning, dishes, and everything else, there often just isn't time to connect during the day.
So, what happens?
Often, one partner, and this is usually the pursuer type, waits until bedtime to bring up important topics. A pursuer in a relationship is one who pushes; it's the partner who feels uncomfortable and has anxiety about not resolving all the arguments and conversations with their partner to peace. They always want to fix everything to the very end. So, they want to have these conversations late at night, and the other partner is either in bed, about to fall asleep, or already falling asleep. So, the pursuing partner would typically say, "Hey, are you awake? Can we talk?" and they start talking when their partner is already half-asleep. And that might sound sweet or urgent, but bedtime is actually not the right time to talk.
Why? Because:
· It can lead to insomnia, anxiety, and poor sleep quality
· It robs the couple of an opportunity to actually have a productive, clear-headed conversation
· Emotions are higher, energy is lower, and nothing gets truly resolved.
What You Can Do Instead
Set Boundaries
Instead of trying to fix everything before bed, set boundaries with compassion and kindness. That could sound like, "Let's talk tomorrow when we're both more alert. I really want to listen to you, but not when I'm half asleep," or "Let's schedule a time for a talk and hopefully find a time during the day, maybe when the kids are at school, and we are not so distracted? I want us to be present with each other." Framing it this way does two things: first, it lets your partner know that pushing won’t lead anywhere, and second, it communicates respect.
Journal Your Thoughts
You can use another powerful tool called a "holding space journal." Journaling gives your brain a break. It's a wonderful practice to clarify and understand your thoughts and feelings. This helps release the pressure and reflect on how you feel, but it's also a great way to "park" your thoughts for tomorrow, which can help until you have a conversation with your spouse. Or use your Notes app or your calendar and tag your partner so the conversation is saved and scheduled, but not looming over you at bedtime.
Validate Your Partner's Feelings
It's always a good idea to gently validate your partner without diving deep. You may say something like, "I know you want to talk right now, and I know this is important to you. I appreciate that you want to share this with me, but I'm just not in the right headspace right now. Let's talk when I can give you my full attention." Having these conversations outside of the moment is what helps the most. For example, you can say, "I know we have this tendency to have late conversations, and honestly, it never works for me. And I know it doesn't serve us any good. So, let's come up with a different plan, right?"
This is just a slight shift in communication, but a very powerful one. Why? When couples do this work in marriage retreats in North Carolina or during online therapy across the state, they often realize that their timing, not their intentions, is the problem.
However, don't expect the change to happen overnight. Many times, it's really hard to make changes at the very beginning, especially when emotions are high and a lot of other things are happening, making it even harder to create new pathways, so to speak. It can be challenging to do this without professional support. Many couples find marriage counseling Raleigh NC a safe space to recognize their "relationship dance" or cycle of negative interaction patterns and start developing new, healthier ones.
Marriage Counselor Discusses the Phone as a Bedtime Saboteur: How a Simple' Heads Up' Before Using Your Phone at Night Can Prevent Major Fights
It may sound dramatic, but yes, phones are indeed causing a significant emotional disconnect in relationships. I see this in couples therapy Raleigh NC sessions all the time, where a couple is having really heavy issues because one partner uses their phone excessively.
I'm writing this post to raise awareness around phones.
Beyond any doubt, phones are helpful. They are often necessary. But are they also designed to be addictive? Absolutely. We have everything on our phones. A phone is with us all the time. It makes our lives so much easier. And what many couples don't realize is that even something as small as doomscrolling at night can lead to serious miscommunication.
I often see this in the couples I work with. For many of us, life is very busy with little kids or teenagers, careers, businesses to manage, household chores, and all other daily responsibilities. We're all exhausted. At the end of the day, it often feels easy to use the phone as a means of relaxation. When you finally collapse into bed, you decide to scroll "just for a minute" and check out for a little bit. You feel the phone helps you unwind. It's not doing any of this, by the way—it's only overstimulating us. But at the moment, it feels like it's helping us to slow down and relax. And it's a really bad habit. That "minute" can cause more damage than you think, especially if your partner was hoping for a connection.
What You Can Do to Prevent Fights Around Phones: A Tip from a Marriage Counselor
Put Your Phone Away. Yep, Actually Do It.
Leaving your phone in a different room—not in a different place, but in a different room—at the end of the night or at a particular time of day is a great way to take a break from social media and technology. For example, in the evening, when you head to bed, leave your phone somewhere in the living room so you don't even see it. When it's out of your mind, out of sight, in a different room—it can be helpful.
Sleeping away from the phone, just with a regular, old-school alarm clock, can be healthy. Not only is it good for your health and well-being, but it is also very beneficial for your relationship.
One Tiny Habit That Can Heal Your Relationship: Give a Heads-Up
Is our time on social media costing us a real connection with the people around us? How often do you prioritize your phone over your relationship with your spouse? Does this build stress and resentment in your relationship?
Here's what I recommend: Just give a simple heads-up.
That's it. It's not about banning phones. It's about being intentional. You can say something like, "Hey honey, um, I'm really spent. I'm going to scroll for the next half hour to decompress. I'm here, but I kind of checked out. Is that okay? Was there anything you needed from me first?"
That one sentence changes everything because it helps make sure you're on the same page, which prevents fights and communicates that you need a moment to yourself and that you're unavailable. Putting it out there also lets your partner know that you're stressed out. They are not left feeling annoyed or wondering, "Why is she ignoring me?" or "He doesn't care." Instead, they know that you're here, you're tired, and you're being honest about it. They may even offer you a cup of tea, coffee, ice cream, or draw a bath to help out a little bit.
Finally, that heads-up really communicates respect. There is way less room for miscommunication, resentment, and disconnection because it helps your partner understand where you are emotionally.
Why This Matters More Than You Think
You'd think that managing kids and household duties would be easier with two adults, but striving for 50/50 often feels harder. Why? Because we now have to negotiate things like division of labor, responsibilities, and emotional load. If we don't communicate these things clearly, we assume. Assumptions often lead to hurt.
So, in the same way, a heads-up, especially when it comes to phone use, is really important. It keeps both people on the same page without all that unnecessary stress. When you give a heads-up about your phone use, you're not just managing screen time—you're nurturing trust.
What If You Can't Put the Phone Away?
Not everyone can fully unplug. Some couples I work with have high-powered jobs or need their phones for emergencies. That's okay. So, don't feel bad if you need to have your phone with you most of the time. Just do it in a way that feels respectful, good, and communicative.
Try Digital Detox
Take breaks and avoid using your smartphone, social media, computer, and other tech devices for an extended time. Whether you schedule "phone-free" hours during the evening or set a time limit on your phone use at night, a digital detox can lead to less conflict while creating space for real connection and more meaningful end-of-day moments with your partner. If you can't put the phone in another room, just use it in a way that feels respectful and intentional. Even just tuning the screen down or turning off notifications can help.
Small Habits, Big Change
This isn't about perfection. It's about progress. It's about recognizing that these tiny bedtime habits, whether it's bringing up an important topic at 10 pm or scrolling Instagram without a word, can erode connection over time.
But these habits are also easy to shift.
Set boundaries around conversation timing. Give a heads-up before disengaging. Validate feelings without diving into deep talks at night. Let your brain and body rest. When you do this, you're not avoiding your partner. You're actually creating the best possible conditions to connect with them fully the next day.
Ready to Reconnect?
If you and your partner are feeling stuck in these habits and want support in navigating them, marriage retreats in North Carolina for couples can help develop healthier patterns and rebuild connection.
Whether you're struggling with communication, emotional disconnect, or bedtime habits that aren't working for you, help is here.
Quality Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC, and Online Therapy North Carolina.
At Marriage Counseling Wake Forest NC, I offer the best marriage counseling I can using the most empirically validated modality called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT).
This is not your typical weekly kind of therapy. I am here to help couples and individuals in relationships do what is proven to work to help them heal their relationships. Through marriage counseling Raleigh NC, marriage retreat in North Carolina, online therapy North Carolina, and individual counseling, there is something for every couple who wants to heal their relationship.
At Marriage Counseling Wake Forest NC, I offer the best marriage counseling I can using the most empirically validated modality called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) and Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy, when appropriate to really expedite the results.
This is not your typical weekly kind of therapy. I am here to help couples and individuals in relationships do what is proven to work to help them heal their relationships. Through marriage counseling Wake Forest NC, marriage retreat in North Carolina, individual counseling, and Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy, there is something for every couple who wants to heal their relationship.
Hi, I'm Irina Baechle, LCSW, in Raleigh, NC. I believe in the power of healthy relationships and write on that topic. Whether you and a partner are co-creating a healthy marriage or you are single , navigating how to have healthy relationships, my content is for you. Let's make healthy, trustworthy marriages the norm instead of the exception! Topics I write about include marriage, infidelity, roommate marriages, sexless marriage, ketamine assisted psychotherapy, healthy second marriages, and healing after toxic or unfaithful marriages.
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