How to Stay Connected When Raising Kids Takes Everything Out of You, and How Marriage Counseling Wake Forest Can Help
Parenting is exhausting, and it can strain even the strongest marriages. Learn how to manage resentment, balance responsibilities, and rebuild intimacy with support from marriage counseling Wake Forest.
Let’s be honest. Parenting can be so exhausting. It’s hard, it’s guilt-producing, it’s all-encompassing. As a mom of two little girls, ages two and six, I feel it personally. And I see it over and over in my marriage counseling Wake Forest sessions.
We love our children fiercely. I often discuss this with my clients, saying how we’d take a bullet for them, we’d give them all our organs if they needed them… and yet, some days we just want to run as far away from them as possible. Because being “on” 24/7, carrying the weight of the endless responsibilities, and feeling like the whole household depends on you, it’s devastating, hard, and really tiring. And it does take a toll on us.
Truths Forest About Parenting We Don’t Say Out Loud (& How We Unpack Them in Marriage Counseling Wake)
Some women even feel like they hate being moms. Not that they hate their children, but they hate the endless responsibility of parenting. Many of my clients who are moms keep repeating these questions, “How can I love my kids so much, and at the same time dread the endless responsibility of raising them? How to parent or be responsible for them constantly? How is it possible to love it and hate it at the same time?”
As parents, we often feel guilty for having these thoughts and ambivalent feelings. So, when we vent about it to a friend or discuss it with a therapist, we always have to preface our comments by saying things like: “I love my children, but I hate parenting,” “I love my kids but sometimes I just can’t stand them,” or “I love my children, but I can’t stand being around them all the time.”
And while it feels contradictory, it’s real. So, there are three things I want to talk about… things that some of you may relate to and hopefully feel validated by.
Parenting is rough. Really, really rough. I hear people say all the time that some days it feels like they’re just surviving, not actually parenting.
The overstimulation, the exhaustion, the relentless demands, especially with infants and toddlers…there are just so many of them, and they are so heavy. You’re barely surviving, always in survival mode.
And while that’s very normal, the truth is it does change a little over time. Parenting evolves into something different.
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In those early years, the overstimulation and relentless demands of infants and toddlers are brutal. You’re barely surviving. You’re always in survival mode.
When I had my first daughter six years ago, I wish someone had told me, “It won’t be like this forever.” Back then, I was breastfeeding around the clock, sitting in dark rooms through endless nights, completely drained. But eventually, things did change. I went back to work, reconnected with what I loved, and as my daughter grew, life became different. Maybe not “easy,” but less physically exhausting.
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Motherhood and Identity: When Your Name Changes to “Mom”
Still, many moms tell me they miss who they were before they had kids. Parenting can swallow up your whole identity in a way nothing else can.
You miss your freedom, your brain, your quiet… and your body. You let go of old habits and things you used to enjoy. And even if you know it’s just temporary, these changes can make you feel frustrated, sad, and isolated. Most of the time, you feel exhausted, unable to relax or enjoy intimacy with your partner. Even your body looks different now, which makes you too self-conscious. You feel like you are not the woman you used to be, and this makes you deeply unhappy. Losing all those parts of yourself can feel devastating.
And when someone calls you selfish for admitting that? Honestly, it makes you want to punch a wall.
Maybe this is one of the reasons why some women decide not to have children. It requires an amazing sense of self-awareness to say, “No, I don’t think I’m going to be a good biological mom.” I had a friend who actually said that. She married a man with two kids and told me, “Motherhood just isn’t for me. I love being a stepmom—it’s great—but I would never be a good biological mom.” I’ll admit, I used to judge her a little for that. I remember questioning, “Really? You don’t want to feel fulfilled by becoming a mom?” But I get it now. I understand what she was talking about. Ten years ago, I didn’t know. But you live, you learn, you grow, and over time, you change the way you think about things.
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The Weight of Love
I also hear women talk about how they didn’t know love could feel this heavy. You would do anything for your kids… and that’s exactly what makes it so hard. The weight of responsibility, worry, and self-sacrifice wears you down over time.
That’s why I’m such a big advocate of self-care and encourage my couples in marriage counseling Wake Forest to take care of themselves. And it’s why I try to spend some time without my kids as much as I can, as often as I can—whether that’s mom trips, girls’ trips, trainings, or just an hour alone. Sometimes it’s one hour, sometimes it’s one day, sometimes it’s five days—whatever it takes to recharge and reconnect to who I am. Not everyone has this same privilege or opportunities, but even an hour a day makes a difference. And if that hour isn’t wasted scrolling social media, but instead spent sitting quietly, meditating, breathing, or even reading a lighthearted book that lets your brain rest, it can make all the difference. Those small breaks are what keep you going.
Because — you’re a person, not just a parent.
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When Parenting Pressures Strain the Marriage
Now, here’s where it gets even more complicated. Parenting doesn’t just exhaust you. It can erode your relationship if you’re not careful.
One of the biggest issues that comes up again and again in my marriage counseling sessions is parenting responsibilities. When couples talk about parenting, there are usually three things that come up, and I’d like to share them here for you to see if you can relate. Also, it may help you change something in your relationship dynamic and improve your marriage.
Keeping Score
One of the issues I often see is couples keeping score about everything they do around the house, children, and other everyday responsibilities.
“Who got up with the baby last night?”
“Who emptied the dishwasher?”
“Who changed more diapers today?”
Scorekeeping feels logical in the moment, but it kills connection. It turns your marriage into a competition instead of a partnership. And it leads to all sorts of resentment. If you’re one of those people who is mentally keeping track of who did what last, you’re probably already experiencing—or will soon experience—a lot of resentment, misunderstanding, and disconnection.
What to Do Instead
If you find yourselves in this “competition mode marriage,” schedule regular check-ins every week, or even better, twice a week. These check-ins with each other are a wonderful opportunity to discuss all upcoming responsibilities and how each of you feels about them. So, make sure to have:
One emotional check-in: “How are we doing as a couple?” “How do you feel about taking the girls to school this week?” “What do you need from me?” “What can I do to help you feel less overwhelmed?” “This is how much capacity I have.” “I have a rough week ahead. Can you pull 80% of the load?”
One logistical check-in: “What’s on deck this week, and how do we split it up?”
Think of it like Sunday night planning. Sit down, write out the week, talk about appointments, work travel, and school events. Divide and conquer the tasks together, as a team. Let each other know what’s on your mind, and what’s happening or coming up. Maybe one of you is traveling or having doctor's appointments. Perhaps you’re feeling under the weather and really cannot take the kids to soccer practice after work. Maybe there are other things coming up. Tell each other how much capacity you have. Because the old fairness myth of dividing our parenting, household, and other responsibilities 50-50 just doesn’t work.
The 50/50 rule sounds good in theory, but it doesn’t work in real life because no one has the same energy, mood, or capacity every single day. Real marriages aren’t about rigid fairness—they’re about adaptability. You step up when your partner is struggling. And you trust that they’ll do the same for you. You support each other through the ups and downs, instead of keeping score. So, you’re both on the same page; instead of just living life, waiting for things to go wrong, then repairing, disconnecting, and facing the potential consequences, such as separation or even divorce.
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The Default Parent Problem
Sometimes we have too many responsibilities in a day, much more than we can actually handle. During a marriage counseling session I had with a couple in Wake Forest, the female partner shared, “Even when we divide tasks and my husband agrees to take on certain responsibilities, I still find myself keeping track of everything that needs to be done. I make mental notes to follow up with him or remind him to complete tasks. And it’s exhausting.”
This load is invisible. But it’s real. And this “default parent” trap is one of the biggest stressors I see in marriages. The “default parent” is not a job title. It’s a warning sign. This person is usually a female partner/mom, but not always. This is the parent who always:
· Books the doctor’s appointments.
· Handles school forms.
· Researches summer camps.
· Plans vacations.
· Packs lunches.
· Coordinates playdates.
· Keeps track of birthdays, vaccines, permission slips, and homework deadlines.
This eventually becomes a problem because, as I mentioned, this is often an invisible load. Even the most well-meaning partner may not notice how heavy it is until resentment explodes.
I once worked with a couple whose daughter was seven. The dad admitted he had never once booked a doctor’s appointment for her. Not once. Because mom had always done it, in the early days, it made sense. She was on maternity leave, breastfeeding, and home more often. But years later, the pattern never changed. She became the permanent default parent. And that’s a recipe for burnout. For moms who don’t go back to work, especially, everything becomes their full-time job, which is why it’s so much harder for stay-at-home moms.
What to Do Instead
Challenge yourself and the status quo in your relationship if you find that one of you is doing most of the things in your marriage all the time. Ask yourself: “What would it feel like to be co-captains instead of one of us overfunctioning and the other underfunctioning?”
Write down every invisible task in your household. Not just chores, but mental load. Then look at the list together. Divide it. Rotate it. Share it.
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Modeling for Your Kids
In my marriage counseling sessions Wake Forest, I often see that most couples forget that how they share responsibilities isn’t just about them. How we divide responsibilities as a couple teaches our kids what love, respect, and partnership look like.
A couple I worked with, parents of two boys, made a point of showing affection in front of their kids. They said they were always conscious of the things they did in front of their kids. So, they would show affection openly because they wanted their sons to see how to treat a partner with love and care.
Because kids are watching. Always. And everything you do counts. It’s not only that your partner is struggling—if you’re the one who knows you’re not doing enough and realize, “I need to step up,” that awareness is powerful. Because it’s not just your partner and your marriage that suffer when things are unbalanced. You’re also setting a foundation for your children. And when they see both parents stepping up, showing affection, and treating each other as teammates, they internalize that. They grow up feeling secure and safe. And they carry those secure attachment patterns into their adult relationships
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When You Can’t Break the Cycle Alone
Parenting is the hardest job you’ll ever love. Even with rituals and checklists, sometimes resentment builds anyway. Maybe you feel like roommates instead of partners. Maybe every conversation turns into an argument about “who does more.” Maybe you’ve stopped reaching for each other altogether.
This is when outside support makes all the difference. Marriage counseling Wake Forest offers couples a safe space to break out of the scorekeeping cycle, unpack the mental load, share hidden resentments, and find a new way to connect.
Quality Marriage Counseling Wake Forest NC
At Marriage Counseling Wake Forest NC, I offer the best marriage counseling I can using the most empirically validated modality called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT).
This is not your typical weekly kind of therapy. I am here to help couples and individuals in relationships do what is proven to work to help them heal their relationships. Through marriage retreat in North Carolina, online therapy North Carolina, and Ketamine Therapy, there is something for every couple who wants to heal their relationship.
Hi, I'm Irina Baechle, LCSW, in Raleigh, NC. I believe in the power of healthy relationships and write on that topic.
Whether you and a partner are co-creating a healthy marriage or you are single , navigating how to have healthy relationships, my content is for you.
Let's make healthy, trustworthy marriages the norm instead of the exception!
Topics I write about include marriage, infidelity, roommate marriages, sexless marriage, healthy second marriages, ketamine assisted psychotherapy, and healing after toxic or unfaithful marriages.
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