Marriage Counseling Wake Forest NC: When Sex Feels Off: How Everyday Life, Pressure, and People-Pleasing Kill Intimacy

When Sex Becomes a Casualty of Everyday Life

Are you having problems in your sex life? Maybe sex has become infrequent. Perhaps it feels like a chore, and you often find yourself not wanting intimacy. Maybe you have difficulties keeping an erection or getting aroused. Perhaps your mind is overconsumed by everything else like your work, kids, responsibilities, and finances, that it just feels really hard to get in the right space in your mind to feel even remotely interested in being close. Or, maybe you're finding yourselves stuck in this roommate-kind, sexless marriage where you still function as a team, and everything is happening, including fights, but intimacy and desire have vanished long ago.

And you know what? That's not your fault. And you're not alone. This is one of the most common dynamics I see in long-term relationships. But there are things we do, often without realizing it, that slowly erode intimacy and connection in a relationship. We fall into the rhythm of everyday survival, like work, kids, dinner, errands, and forget how to be close. It starts to feel like we're just roommates. You might still fight, sure, but the spark? Gone.

And here's the part most people don't expect: trying to fix it by having more sex doesn't usually work.

Marriage Counselor Reveals One Surprising Move That Restores Intimacy

I want to give you a tip that might sound silly, but it is one of the most powerful things I teach couples in marriage counseling Wake Forest office: take sex off the table. In my thirteen years of clinical experience as a marriage therapist, I’ve seen many times how this one thing creates magic, especially when it comes to sex.

When you take sex off the table and focus on simply enjoying time with your partner—whether through touch, cuddling without any plan, or just feeling comfortable with each other—it removes the pressure. What usually kills the mood for intimacy is our thought process when we're physically close to our partner. You might think, "If I keep kissing them, it might lead to something more." It makes the partner who is more ambivalent, whether less sure or just less sexual in general, not want to explore or play. Because in that moment, it starts to feel like they have to perform or do something they're not actually comfortable doing. When there's an unspoken "agenda," even a kiss or hug starts to feel loaded: If I give this, will they expect more? That tension kills desire.

So, the key is to understand that you're not trying to get somewhere. You're not trying to perform. You're just being close. You touch because it feels good. You cuddle because it feels safe. You connect because you want to, not because you feel you're supposed to.

A Couples Therapist Recommends: Try A Week Without Expectations

If we are so consumed by it, if we have this agenda of having sex, thinking "I need it," we pursue and push, and even if it's not conscious, it does kill the mood, and it changes the energy. So, tell your partner instead, "Let's take sex off the table for a week. I just want to be close. I'll touch you, and you let me know how it feels. You can touch me, and I'll do the same. We'll cuddle. No pressure. No expectations."

If you're in a heterosexual relationship, I can almost guarantee that the female partner will feel seen, relieved, and more open. When you take the sex off the table, emotionally it lifts off the weight, and then your body starts to feel more relaxed. The heart opens. And believe it or not, that often leads to deeper, more satisfying sexual connection.

Pressure Is the Enemy of Desire

When one partner feels like intimacy is always supposed to lead somewhere, they start to shut down. It's not conscious. But their nervous system interprets touch as a demand. And that, especially for women in heterosexual relationships, is a major intimacy killer.

On the flip side, the partner who's craving sex may feel rejected. Confused. Frustrated. They start pushing more, even subtly, initiating more, trying harder, and pressing in small ways. But that pursuit often leads the other partner to shut down more.

It's a painful cycle. And neither person is wrong. But the more you chase, the less your partner leans in.

Saying Yes When You Mean No: A Marriage Counselor Explains How Boundaries Around Sex Can Save Your Relationship

Another thing I often see in couples therapy in Raleigh, NC, is one partner saying "yes" to sex initiated by another partner when they truly mean "no." However, they want to please their partner and keep the peace, so they agree to having sex when they actually don't want it.

And this is how people-pleasing silently erodes intimacy. If you are a people pleaser, you'll want to be accommodating. Maybe you don't want to upset your partner or hurt their feelings. Or you're afraid that saying "no" too often will lead to tension, causing your partner to feel disappointed and to abandon you. So, you say yes, on behalf of the relationship, but at the expense of your own heart. Over and over. Until it becomes a habit.

When you say yes to sex and don't mean it, you're compromising yourself, not just your boundaries, but your emotional truth. And over time, you grow resentful. You grow hurt and distant from your spouse. You disconnect emotionally. And you start avoiding touch altogether. Eventually, you burn out. And then everything collapses.

If this resonates, you are not alone. Through years of marriage counseling in Raleigh NC and marriage retreats in North Carolina, I have worked with many couples who are facing the same struggles.

The thing is that the partner who's been initiating sex all this time has no idea the partner who says "yes" actually didn't want any of these things. This partner is in the dark. They feel confused. Hurt. Betrayed.

When No One's Telling the Truth, Everyone Loses

The partner who is saying "yes" to please their partner is also in the dark—they know that they don't like it, but they don't know how to say "no." This is what I call a silent spiral. One partner is pretending everything's fine. The other assumes it is. But deep down, neither of them is telling the truth.

So, the inability to say "no," people pleasing, no boundaries, and fears and insecurities we carry from growing up, that people will leave us if we're being ourselves—all these things can lead to relationship problems. I see couples divorcing and separating and little children suffering in the process, only because a person who is an adult, for good reasons, does not have the skills, knowledge, self-awareness, and agency to say, "No, I don't want this right now." And it's not even about saying "no" literally every time you don't want it; but if you're doing it all the time, you need help communicating your needs to your partner. This lack of honest communication is what creates the very disconnection both people were trying to avoid.

Learning How to Say "No" (So Your "Yes" Can Be Real)

You don't have to say no every time. You don't have to be rigid, cold, or unavailable.

You do need to learn how to say, "Not right now," or "I'm not in the space for that," or "I want to feel close, but not that way tonight." That honesty builds safety. It helps your partner trust you again because when you do say yes, they'll know you mean it.

Remember, your partner maybe does not know what's happening in your head; they cannot read your mind. This is where couples therapy helps. If you've been saying yes to sex you don't want—or saying no to sex you secretly do want—you need help learning how to speak your truth. So, hopefully, if you find yourself in a similar situation, consider seeking support to learn how to be more truthful to yourself and say what you mean in a way that feels good to you and your partner in a way that doesn't push your partner away and doesn't make you feel resentful, hurt, and burned out.  

In marriage counseling Raleigh and marriage retreat in North Carolina, you'll learn to recognize your own patterns. You will start building language for your emotions so you can stop guessing and start expressing them.

Marriage Counseling Wake Forest NC: How to Avoid Common Mistakes That Kill Intimacy in Your Relationship

There's another thing that sabotages intimacy: timing for sex. So, let's talk about how not to have good sex.

1.   Leave It to the End of The Day

Most people leave sex for last—after dinner, dishes, bedtime routines, and email check-ins. Why is that a problem? Because, by the time we're done with our day—with work, life, and responsibilities—we're too tired. So, the last thing most people that I work with want to do is have sex. You have given the best of yourself to everything and everyone else already, and there's nothing left.

In my marriage counseling Raleigh NC session, I always strongly recommend couples (and most of them find it extremely helpful!) to either schedule or have sex without scheduling (if that freaks you out) earlier in the day. Between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. is usually a really good window. You still have juice left in your nervous system. You haven't hit decision fatigue. And if the house is empty—no kids, no looming to-do list, and you can actually connect for a few minutes and you don't have to worry about anything—it's the perfect time.

Even if you have a full-time job, think about a lunch break or a midday reconnection. Not everything intimate has to be spontaneous. A planned connection is still a connection.

2.   Trying When the Kids Are Home

This might sound obvious, but it's a huge factor: don't try to have sex when your kids are home. I know, sometimes it feels like the only chance you've got. But let's be real. When kids are home, and there is a possibility of them walking in on you and interrupting the whole sexual situation, that's not exactly sexy. You're watching the door. Listening for footsteps. Mentally preparing to jump up in a panic. Even when they're napping, there are always sleep regressions, nightmares, or health issues. So even when you think they're distracted, part of you is on high alert.

Sex and parenting don't mix well. It is not in practice and definitely not in energy. So, take advantage when your kids are at school, at grandparents', with a sitter, or out of the house—use that window. Let yourself really connect.

3.   Parenting Your Partner

Another reason not to have good sex is being a parent to your partner. This parent-child dynamic between couples is one of the biggest mood-killers in relationships. I see this a lot, and it is especially common in heterosexual couples, where the woman plays this motherly role to her spouse and has to remind him of everything—kids' soccer practices, how to vacuum correctly, which groceries to buy, and so on. A female partner ends up managing the household, the emotional labor, and... her partner. And slowly, she starts to feel like his mother. And he begins to feel like a child.

Guess what? Nobody wants to have sex with someone who feels like a parent. And nobody wants to have sex with someone who treats them like a child. So, stepping into your masculine energy for male partners and being on top of your game really helps enhance your sex life.

This isn't about "taking over." It's about showing up and taking initiative. Noticing what needs to be done—and doing it. When a woman feels like you've got her back, not just in bed but in life, she feels safe. And when she feels safe, she's far more open to connection.

Don't wait to be told. Don't ask her to be your manager. Show her that you're a partner.

Final Thoughts from a Marriage Therapist: It's Time to Rewrite the Story

If sex has become a source of tension, avoidance, or confusion in your relationship, I want you to know that you're not broken. Your partner isn't broken. But the pattern might be.

You can change that.

Start by:

·       Taking sex off the table.

·       Changing the timing.

·       Stopping the parent-child dynamic.

·       Learning to say no (and yes) with integrity.

If you're tired of feeling disconnected and don't know where to start, let's talk.Bottom of Form

Quality Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC, and Online Therapy North Carolina.

At Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC, I offer the best marriage counseling I can using the most empirically validated modality called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT).

This is not your typical weekly kind of therapy. I am here to help couples and individuals in relationships do what is proven to work to help them heal their relationships. Through marriage counseling Raleigh NC, marriage retreat in North Carolina, online therapy North Carolina, and individual counseling, there is something for every couple who wants to heal their relationship.

Hi, I'm Irina Baechle, LCSW, in Wake Forest, NC. I believe in the power of healthy relationships and write on that topic. Whether you and a partner are co-creating a healthy marriage or you are single , navigating how to have healthy relationships, my content is for you. Let's make healthy, trustworthy marriages the norm instead of the exception! Topics I write about include marriage, infidelity, roommate marriages, sexless marriage, healthy second marriages, ketamine assisted psychotherapy, and healing after toxic or unfaithful marriages.

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