Relationship Myth # 1: Fighting a lot means we are in trouble!
How Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC And Couples Therapy Raleigh Can Strengthen Your Relationships (With Yourself AND Your Loved Ones)
As a marriage counselor in Raleigh, North Carolina, I work with couples and individuals to help them feel more connected, secure, and loved. Many couples call me afraid that the fact that they’ve been fighting a lot means their relationship is doomed. This is such a myth and I want to dive in to share why fighting (in a healthy way) could be GOOD for your marriage!
Marriage counseling Raleigh NC provides a secure environment for couples who don't know how to express love anymore without fighting to work on exploring their emotions and rekindling their connection.
Couples therapy Raleigh can help you get to a place in your relationship where you love and feel loved again.
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Relationship Myth # 2: We fell out of love and probably (?) need a divorce
Relationship Myth # 3: Relationships should feel easy and natural
Relationship Myth # 4: Couples therapy provides amazing results in a short period of time
Can I tell you a story? One of the most common reasons for fighting between my husband and I are sweets. Yes, you’ve heard it right! It’s not money, or parenting issues, or even household chores and some logistical problems. It’s just those god damn sweets, like chocolates and cookies.
Let me explain. We like eating healthy food and I sometimes bake zucchini muffins made from mostly healthy ingredients, like coconut flour, coconut oil, and, oh well, zucchinis. These little muffins are supposed to satisfy your sweet tooth ( which both of us have) while not causing diabetes from the first bite. Sometimes, I add some dairy free dark chocolate chips to the muffins. Well, more like most of the time, but that’s not important here. What’s important is that I buy a bag of chocolate chips, use some of it for the muffin dough, and then hide it some place where my husband can’t find it (per my husband’s request), so that I can reuse them during the next baking batch. So guess what happened this time? I am about to start baking muffins and realize that the chocolate chips are gone. Since I only bake them once every couple of months, I thought maybe I hid them elsewhere, so I looked everywhere and did not find anything. When I asked my husband later that evening, he innocently stated that he ate chocolate chips “long time ago” and I shouldn’t make it a big deal. I will spear you of the details of what happened next, but the moral of the story is this: all couples fight! (also don’t mess with my chocolate!!!!!)
Fighting is normal, expected, and even healthy for a couple, despite of how many weeks or years they have been together.
Despite what most couples think, fighting and arguments do not mean that the relationship is in trouble, by any means. Moreover, we all know by now that perfect relationships do not exist, right (Even if we really want them to)? As I mentioned in my book 5 Step Connection Guide To Your Dream Marriage, if you are looking for a perfect relationship, you are in deep trouble. When choosing a long term partner, you inevitably choose a set of unresolvable problems!
So, instead of feeling defeated and discouraged about having fights and arguments with your partner ( which will always be there because you are two different people with two completely different upbringings), I encourage you to learn how to argue successfully.
That is in a way that provides you both with an opportunity to feel closer to each other instead of pushing your partner further away. Here are 3 simple steps you can try next time you start arguing:
Step # 1: learn how to be okay to not being right all the time.
Our automatic default mode when we feel wronged and misunderstood is to defend ourselves. So, partners start telling each other why they are right and why their parented need to believe them. In doing so, you are missing an important point- none of this crap about who is right and who is wrong matters. Be wiser and just listen, without judgment, justification, and defensiveness!
Step # 2: Learn how to lead with curiosity instead of preconceived filter of the reality.
Most of the couples I work with are sure that they know their partners, and therefore know how they feel and what they think. When this couple gets into an argument, they get stuck every time because there is absolutely no room for exploration and questions about important matters. They forget that their “filters” on how they see their significant others prevent them from accessing empathy and perspective taking. No empathy- no understanding!
Step # 3: Do not make it about yourself- focus on your partner’s problem and pain for a moment first.
This is a Big one! Let me explain. When your boyfriend or spouse says something like:” I feel like we are just roommates… our relationship is super logistical and emotionally disconnected”, restrain yourself from explaining why this is not the case or why your partner has a part in this problem as well.
Instead, be curious. Listen, validate, even just restate what your spouse just shared to make sure you understand. Tap into your empathy for a moment- what gets touched in your heart when you hear your partner trusting you and opening up to you with such a vulnerable fear? This is the key to shift your communication pattern!
If you want to start improving your emotional and sexual life and rekindling the connection in your relationship, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation.
This is not your typical weekly kind of therapy. I am here to help couples and individuals in relationships do what is proven to work to help them heal their relationships. Through marriage counseling Raleigh NC, marriage retreat in North Carolina, online therapy North Carolina, and individual counseling, there is something for every couple who wants to heal their relationship.
Stop wasting years of your precious life trying to feel happy. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation with me today by clicking here. During the call, you will discover how having a place to heal your relationship with a guide can take you from the hurt to a healthier relationship than the one you grew up with.